He was there.......

HE WAS THERE.

I have never been a religious person, or prayed for anything meaningful in my life.

Yes, over the years i have occasional prayed for the lottery or a  brand new convertible that would make me look less mommyish.

But i had never prayed .

THAT IS THE DAY I STARTING PRAYING.

Yes, its shocking to see this picture, but this was my reality.This is was what God put into my path.

My sunshine, my heart...was gonna die.This was day 1 in the NICU at BAMC.She was put into a coma to help her body relax after her heart rate went well over 200.They didnt understand or have a grip of what happened to her.

She should have died that day. 

She was about to hit a dark painful road.

We made a decision, the very first one, to cut a hole in her throat days later, to help her breathe.

That is the day, God let his light shine on me.

I started feeling this sharp pain in the chest.I had first thought it was anxiety at its best.......but no...........

This was something new.This was an extraordinary pain.Right in the middle of my chest.It grew deeper and deeper. Every tear  i shed, it would pulse through my body.I felt like my heart wanted to rip out of my ribs and scream at me. Then I heard it..............

It was my heart aching.

I ran out of Erawyn's hospital room and went straight to the Chapel.I needed God.I needed to cry to him.

I walked in the Chaplin's office and asked to speak to anyone who was willing to hear me. A Major walked me into his room.And said..tell me....

I sat there and cried to this stranger..i told him how angry i was with God, how i couldnt pray cause I was hurt that he was doing this to me.i told him after all the love and effort i gave to this baby..i had failed.And God was letting it happen.

He looked at me and said...you are right.you have every right to be angry, we went on to talking and he said something that changed my life.

DONT PRAY UNLESS YOU ARE READY FOR HIM.

In that moment, my heart felt better.It was an instant lift of burden and sorrow.

This is where everything changed..................

I took a shower that night, and i prayed for the first time.i begged God to give me my baby back, i sobbed like a child.I sobbed for the virgen mary to help give me strength as a mother.For i know, she would understand me.she had been there right? 

God started putting people into my life that he knew i needed.

Ella had a nurse.She was a mother, like me.She had also had profound knowledge of her field and she knew a sick baby when she saw one.She would at first give me this look.This look that we both connected with. I knew the day she went into the NICU, Ella was gonna die.I had this gut feeling.I could never say anything to anyone cause everyone had so much hope.Everyone around the world was praying for my baby and i couldnt kill their buzz.

But she knew, and she knew i knew.

I knew in a instant of meeting her, God put her there for me.She was gonna be voice of reason, my assurance of my decisions. Not cause she was some goddess, or saint...but cause she had seen cases like this.She knew Ella's fate.She would be very blunt with me.Tell me the truth.She would give me the truth i needed to hear.She would tell me....this isnt her jonnika, your baby has gone already, this is her shell......And YES! she was right.i had to come to terms that i had to let her go and let her shell be at peace.

Then, God did it again.He brought 2 of his messengers to me.One priest, and a chaplins assistant.i spend many hours speaking to them.Father Jim was my backbone.He sat there and talked about God, and Ella's reason of being here.He became part of our family.

Now, the chaplins assistant.She was a gift of God to me.She would always show up just when i needed her.She was there praying for Ella and offering her help everyday.

But, months after her death, She shared something with me.Before Ella passed away, She would beg me to talk to her.she told me, i need to tell you something before you let her go.And i never did.But what she had to say, made me heart stop.

God was with Ella.She was right there with her the whole time.And he wanted me to know  He loved me.She told me he was holding me the night i first prayed and he was giving me strength cause he knew i needed it.....and broke down.

It was strange cause i wondered how i had the strength.I wondered, how could i have dealt with this.I should have crawled in a cave,  covered and sealed it with crazy glue and cried for the rest of my life.But i didnt, i would prayed for STRENGTH, and i now knew, my prayers where truly answered.

The day steven and i were to see Ella for the first time in her casket, i prayed before we went into the funeral home chapel.

I said, God, please give me the strength to see my angel and enjoy her.Please hide my tears fill my heart with joy.....

HE WAS THERE.

I WALKED IN THAT CHAPEL, I FELT WEIGHTLESS.I FELT SO PROUD THAT I LOVED A TRUE MIRACLE.I TOUCHED HER AND FELT PURE LOVE.THERE WASNT SADNESS IN MY HEART BUT HAPPINESS THAT SHE WAS FREE.GOD HAD CHOSEN ME, ME!! TO CARE FOR HER, AND TO LOVE HER AND MOTHER HER.I WAS THE LUCKY ONE.

There was countless others that helped me and steven during this time, all of them gods workers.All gave their time and effort to make sure we were ok.I would run to mama's house to cry and there where no words, just love.There were people around the world, who were praying for her,there were friends who drove 2 hours during the night to come comfort us.There were the dinners, and coffee runs, and words of pure wisdom.There was my funeral planners/friends that made sure Ella's special day was perfect, from the ribbons,to the balloons and flowers.THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO CAME INTO MY PATH DURING THAT MONTH.

HE WAS THERE.