Happy Mother's Day.

Here we are.

10 years later.

I remember the day I had Dylan.I remember the overwhelming feeling of love,protection and fate.

I remember saying, this is my child.This is my life and responsibility for the rest of HIS life. I grew from a 15 yr old teenager to a 16 yr old mother.

Since April 30, 2003, I was no longer just me.I was a mother.A protector.An adovcate. A teacher.A nurse.....etc.

10 years can do wonders on someone's soul, heart, mind and body.I hadnt always been a "good" mother.I had periods in my life where I wanted my life back.I put them aside.I did what i wanted and didnt care cause my mom was there to take the kids.That is a distant memory that I will never experience again.

Then, I had my 4th child.My miracle.I felt like God put her in my life for a reason.There were no explanations needed.She embraced our lives to help me.She was here to make me a good mother ...which in turn made me a better person.I had a purpose and it took having a disabled child to open my eyes. My kids also learned what it meant to truly love someone.They learned that life did end and it made them stronger.

.............

I have gone through hell and came back with a stronger soul.Ive had a rough 10 years.Its the mothers job that is neverending.I have days where I dont know how I do it, I dont know where to turn.I just dont know how to.I have so much stress that sometimes i cant handle it.I have learned that even though I feel like i cant...i always do.I always put my mother cape on and suck it up.Its not their fault.My kids dont deserve nothing but happiness.Im a wreck most days and yet, here i am....still standing....still trying.

Being a mother is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.I adore and appreciate my kids.I get this over love feeling sometimes when I look at them and thats how I know, this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And even though I will celebrate this Mother's day with pain in my heart...I have all 4 babies with me.I have neverending love in my heart.I have a bond of 4 hearts in my soul.What more can a person ask for?What more in this life could anyone ask for?

I am loved unconditional.



i know that feeling.

Life isnt Fair....its Life.

Pure sadness, its unbelievable how 1 memory, one second can cause a flood of emotion and sobs that literally hurt the heart.

I dont think about her.

I cant.

i block myself from anything Ella.I look at my walls,which show proof of existence and i think....shes not real.This isnt her.I dont remember her.This isnt my baby.Thats just a picture. 

It just makes me feel better knowing that i have the power to block the sadness that comes with reality.I can tell myself to stop,and im strong enough to do so.Do i want to forget her?? NO, but for my heart i do this.

Every day,every single day this is a battle.I fight with my feelings.I have to put up my guard and reassure myself that this is ok.Im ok.I still have to move on.I cant dwell on this.

I read about or see movies about people who have experienced what i have gone through.Not necessarily a baby dying, but lost.And i just  cant handle it.I know what they went through.I know that gut wrenching feeling when heartche takes over.That feeling of hurt, pain, lost,....hopelessness. Noone can ease this pain..not even a year later.

It doesnt go away.It doesnt get "easier" or "better" 

Who ever thought this was the perfect thing to say to a widower has obviously never buried their soulmate.

It hasnt gotten easier hence the bad meltdowns i experience once a month, or better hence why i still feel the sting of the pain.

I have resorted to blocking her out and when all else fails....cry like my tears will cure all sadness.It does just that.I cry to let it all out and go on with my day. 

Sometimes, all i need to say is...I got this.Im gonna be ok.She was here.She was my baby.She was happy.I made her happy.I have memories of smiles, love and hugs..

I must say this over and over cause all i think about it is the bad stuff.The sad stuff.The stuff that makes my stomach turn.The images of death.The memories of her in the hospital.The reality of the cause of her death.This somehow over takes my thoughts and brings me down.I HATE IT.

  

suck it up, move along.

Time will tell........right?

Thats how shit runs in life right? You simply wait.You cant control certain things in life and sometimes waiting is like chasing purple unicorns in a field full of dreams.

This is something i cant deal with;the whole waiting gig is just not for me.I cant seem to get over the fact that i cant control this feeling.No sympathy needed cause this is life, this is what God had in store for me.Dont need someone to explain to me why cause i already know.

What my problem is the control of high anxiety.Its a constant cloud of darkness and emptiness that follows me everywhere.It always seems to creep up on me, just when i think im good.

This is not true.I am not good.I see a baby at the store and in a split second my eyes tear up.I get a deep choke in my throat and i want to desperately  just walk over and hold that random baby. But, of course im not insane...so i smile and walk away.

The healing process is way overrated.Its not the glorious event that happens over night like in the movies.Not at all.I wissssssh it was crammed into a 2 hour segment that ends with a happy ending and life lesson learned.

Life just doesnt happen like that.Not for me at least.

Ive lost my mind and im trying to get it back piece by piece.Im trying to gather my sadness and keep it bottled up cause noone wants a negative sally around.I do try to be happy and talk about my Ella with a smile on my face.I try.I try to move on.I try to not think about her.I dont dream about her either.I just cant bring myself to think about her.I have had 1 dream about her.AND in that one, i held her and told her i would never let her leave my side again.AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DREAM DID TO ME?????

It broke my heart even more and i cried all day when i woke up. I felt her, held her and smelt her.but, it was all a dream, i woke up to an empty room and no baby in my arms.

I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy. The ever so deep pain right in the middle of your chest, it physically hurts.It feels like sharp heavy pain pulling you down and nothing but crying makes it go away.

THIS MY FRIENDS IS HEARTACHE.

imagine feeling like this everytime you thought of your child.

Things seem different when you live this life.You appreciate the little moments in life.You see a child and dont think they are work, you think....at least she has this baby, at least she gets to hold him and raise him...............at least she has him.

Nothing in this life, on a serious note, will ever fill my heart again.I have my kids.They are my life, but im missing one.Im missing a chunk of life that was buried alongside her.I lost my role as strength.This isnt a person role, more like way of life.I lost the life of fighting and uncertainty.That life i miss.I miss being her shield.I miss protecting her and making her feel better.I miss being that one person she trusted.She trusted me.She knew her life was in my hands.She knew my hug would make her heart feel better. This is what i need back.

Give me wings....and I will fly.

Give me strength, and I will grow.

Give me love, and I will live.

GIVE ME WINGS, AND I WILL FLY.

1 year ago, I let my Soul go home.

I held her close to my chest, as her....and my entire heart went to Heaven.

I put her hand on my heart for 11 hours as she slowly let her body rest.

I kissed the most warm, gentle, softest lips as she rested on my body.

I told My Erawyn,it was ok to finally let go....God was ready for her return.

1 year ago, I possessed the hardest, strongest heart in my chest.I had asked God for strength, and peace of mind, and first time in my 25 years of life, I felt and saw a prayer happen.

I cant tell you how I did not go crazy knowing my baby was gonna die from a brain infection.I cant tell you why I didnt try to kill myself during my depression.I cant tell you why I felt so calm and at peace minutes after my baby, my whole entire world came to a end......but I did, I was bulletproof  strong for her.I kept it together for everyone else, and for Ella.I knew in my heart that i had to be strong for her.I was her protector. I put on my mother shield and helped my baby go to heaven in the most peaceful, loving, comfortable way.She deserved a strong heart during her journey back.

If someone told me 5 years ago that I was gonna be a baby widow, I would have called them a liar.I would have laughed in their face, NOT ME! God put her in my life for a reason and he wouldnt take her back.Thats insane.

I was too greedy.I was so in love with her that I couldnt imagine life without her.She was my entire world.I was fighting for her.This couldnt happen to me.

People say they live for their kids, not I.No....I lived through her.I was this new person.I became a better mother because of her.I learned that my kids were gifts, I learned to appreciate and love every single moment of their lives.I told them I loved them more, cause I knew what it meant to have a sick unhealthy child, i saw God's love in my baby.She had this strength that was so amazing to see.

I was better because Ella was in my life.Her presence was like a drug.She was addicting and I made sure I gave back to what she was giving me.I made sure that she knew what love felt like.She was deeply loved.

I miss my baby so much.I cant describe to you the pain, the deep sorrow I feel every morning.I cant see her, i cant touch her, i cant hold her.I have to suck up heavy tears every day of this new life.I sit there and every other moment is sadness.I cant even look at phone, cause there she is...right on my screensaver..smiling.And it kills me every time.I dont want to change it, cause ill miss seeing her little face....its a lose/lose situation.I love her so much that i cant go a hour without thinking of her.I just cant.I have this heavy burden of guilt, pain, sadness, happiness, smiles, joy....all at the same time and it physically hurts.Its an obsession.I find myself staring at her pictures.I just want her back.I dont want to have to look at a piece of glossy papers to get my heart feeling better.

I can honestly say that God is putting special people in my life.He brought me peace at my most needing moments.Its a random funny text, a simple hello, or a good pick-me-up, always at the perfect time.I feel like these people are in my life for a reason and they dont even know it.Hes making me strong again, and these people are his way of replacing what Im missing.

....................................................

I cant go back to life before.I cant close my eyes and there she will be.I cant live in 2010 again.I cant sit on my bed and pray for her return.Its not possible.But what is possible is sharing her love.I still live through her.I spread her story every chance i get.God puts me in random peoples lives for a split second to share a piece of her, and it changes their lives.I have a powerful story to tell, and thats why God gave me Erawyn.He knew I could withstand this horrible nightmare and tell people who need proof that strength is real.Her story is real, her pain was real, her death was very real.And I witnessed it all.

Today, one of heaven's most precious messengers went back home.She left behind a bond between us that is beyond love.She left a peace of Heaven in my heart.Even through I will never get over losing her, I know why she was here.I get it.Missing her is my eternal battle that i must live with till I see her again.

I  love you Erawyn Jizelle, my Ellabee <3 You changed my world, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you, missing you and sharing your story.

"No hay amor perdido entre nosotros Mi Amor."

I



What can you do, honestly??

So this post is about my thoughts.I have so much going through my head.1,00000000000 thoughts all at one time.I catch myself wondering off, thinking about this past year.All the decisions i have been involved in.All the pain i have endured, all the decisions that lead to pain.I have made some very hard, unimaginable decisions.I have sat in a hospital, face in my hands, and begged God to just take it away.How low in ones life to beg God with sobbing tears to just stop what he is doing.I have seen so many people cry for one soul and it made me sick.I saw professional nurses and Doctors cry cause there was nothing we could do.I have had to leave my dead baby in a cold hospital minutes after she went to heaven and tell myself we made the right decision. I have seen my brothers carry the casket of my baby and have my grandfather tell me everything was gonna be alright.

THIS HAUNTS ME.

I never thought in a millions years that i would have this much anxiety. I get in my shower every morning and cry.I remember her knocking on the shower door begging to come and sometimes i wouldnt let her.I would tell her no and she would cry.All she wanted was to get wet, and i turned her down.GOD, i take that back, i would let her shower with me anytime she wanted if you let her come back.I would never tell her no.She could sleep in my bed everyday if you just let me have that back.

I see mommies with their babies and i want a baby so bad now.I want that feeling back.Give me another special needs baby and i will love that child with my most full heart.I would protect it and make better decisions.It kills me that i tied my tubes after Ella.I hate that i cant have that again. What i would give to have another Ella.Nothing will ever replace her, but i would give the world to hold another piece of my heart. I cant do anything about this, and it just eats me up.

I hate that im still crying.I hate that i cant seem to just move on.BUT, this was my child, my heart, my world.I lived for her and my other babies.Death is a reality for everyone.Its gonna happen not matter what, everyone will die.But, its wasnt fair, she was in pain, she always in pain.She had to endure so much pain her whole life.She was poked everyday of her life and i was so proud of her.I was so proud to be her mom.I was proud that i was part of her life.She knew she was gonna be in pain and she took it.She cried and knew afterwards i was gonna wrap her up in her blanket and hold her tight.She would cry out my name and i had to stand there, and just tell her over and over "i know baby, i know".

I hate that i had this wonderful perfect life with my baby, she made me so happy.She was this huge ray of sunshine.And now, its gone...all shady and dark clouds now.No more sunshine.I spent everyday with her, we laughed, giggle, sang and were lazy all day.We didnt have a time frame on our days, we just lived.She would always do something silly to make my laugh and vice versus.She was so beautiful to me.She had the most gorgeous smile and biggest godly eyes.I loved to snatched her up and kiss her, SHE HATED IT lol.She would fight me to let her down.I was stronger of course and i always won.i loved her hands and feet.I would grab them and bite her little toes,she would laugh..she loved it.I would tell her, "whose feet are these??? mommys feet???" and she would say yes lol.I LOVED HER,

God, please know that you took away my sunshine.,You gave me this messenger of your work, and you took it away.Yes, i know it was for all the right reasons, you knew your plan way before my time....but you also know the pain it would bring.You created this.You knew what comes with death.What you leave behind.I know you were there, i also know you are with me now.You made me strong, you gave me strength.I asked you for it the day at the hospital and you gave me a heart of powerful unbreakable stone.That was you.But,what now? What happens now? where is this powerful unbreakable stone? its not here, believe me..ive been searching for it.I break down every day God, you see me, you know this.Its hard to hear from people, "get over it", "shes in a better place", "shes not in any pain anymore"...but you know what..IM MISSING MY HEART.You took away milestones, memories, precious times.I wont ever get that chance with Ella.I wont see her grow up, hear her boyfriend stories, her bad days at school, her teenage tantrums, her  graduation, her college, her marriage, her babies, her career.....none of that.

Just like you made me strong during the worst time of my young life, I will build up the strength again.Watch me.I will prove to you, that i have a heart of steel.I will prove to you that this test, a test of faith, family and love wasnt for nothing.You put this on my path, and even if it takes 10 years from now...i will master this plan.

my lifetime.

JUMP...then fall.

If only it was this easy, this graceful, this serene. 

This is how i feel.This what i wanna do, just let go, just jump out of my mind and have my heart feel some peace.

Its not fair that i get to see my kids grow up and not my baby.I get to enjoy all life's little moments with my children and i still have this void.This world of  heartache and sadness. Im in a whole new category of people.I have experience the worst pain, and its still there...its gonna stay there. i have great days, i started a new job that i love (even though so stressful, but i got this) and i have made the most amazing friends there.I have great things in my life that i shouldnt be complaining about.But,its the pain.its the pain i carry around and it comes out when im alone, lost in my thoughts. its almost a year since she went to Heaven and its still very very raw,like if it was just yesterday. I have these moments that are like pictures...clicking in my deepest memories...they click, click, click away.I see flashes of my kids, all of them, together.happy great times, the hard times the ever so peaceful times.Then click....her sweet little face.I cant get over how hard this is for me.The sadness i cant get away from.I miss my life when she was here.I need it back.

I have my kids now.They make me so happy.Im so deeply in love with them.Every time i look at them ,i see just how lucky i really am.The love i have for Dylan,Kilian and Phoenix is beyond heaven.Its above the pure joy, happiness and love that God provides to each and every one of us.You have no idea how much they mean to me.How much i appreciate the little people they are.Their strengths, their hobbies, their personalities.I appreciate it.The love that they have for me keeps me going.I love seeing them laughing, and joking and playing with their friends.Those moments helps me forget that i have pain in the heart.It helps me remember that this is what God left me with.This love.This deep motherly love that he wants to me provide for them.No matter what i do, what choices i make in my life, good or bad...im the best person to those 3 babies.Im mommy and their happiness depends on me.

Its the time when im alone in my thoughts, when ,my kids aren't around me that i get into a deep depression.Its the moments where my mind is left to wonder.those are my darkest saddest times.I realize what i don't have.what i am missing.What i want back.My heart misses Ella.My life just doesn't seem complete without her.She made such an impact in my life that now...it seems awkwardly empty.I miss having all the responsibly for her, protecting her, making her smile.

I feel like im standing in this LONG waiting line with the number 1,000,000,000, and the light is blinking at 1.That number is not moving for the life of me.You know that anxious feeling when your waiting and you honestly just wanna say FUCK it and walk away, you'll come back another day???? Thats what i feel like.Its the waiting game.Yes, i will see her again, i know this is most true.But what about the time till then? What shall i do while in waiting in "line"? 

there is no way to avoid it, absolutely not.This is what God put in my path.He knew what he wanted for me.He has this master plan and i have yet to grasp it. I feel very fickle on what he chose for me.He gave me heaven for 3 years then snatched it back from her, like a thief in the night.I never thought i could feel this much  pain and i have gone though some shit in my life.Nothing has EVER been easy for me.I have the worst luck.But i had it all.I had what made me strong.But, taking her away, gave me the biggest beating i would never have imagine. I'm grateful for these past 9 years.But.....

There is so much i can handle.What doesn't kill us...makes us stronger right???? I hope God understands how strong im trying to be cause boy...im barely hanging on.

Happy Birthday Honey Bee.

How can you describe a changed world?

How can you explain to someone what it means to have a true broken heart? A heart that was once filled with unconditional love and happiness.A heart that had immense hope, and strength.....once. 

In a year, I have learned what it felt like to lose all hope, lose all faith, lose a beautiful soul.

I have learned what fear really feels like, that gut twisting pain, that fear floods in.I have cried enough tears to fill allllllllllll the oceans of the world, and its still filling up.I have lived through hell....and here i am...still standing.

I have conquered because i was chosen.Chosen to love, raise, and learn from a little bitty miracle.

Welcome to the world.I was waiting for you.

Welcome to my arms my love.You were under my heart for 9 months, and now i finally get to kiss you, feel you, hold you,squeeze you.You didnt have to fight Erawyn, mommy was ready to fight for you.You were to just sleep and relax.Mommy had it covered. I knew God chose me because he knew my heart was strong enough....I gave it my all.I promise EllaBee.I promise.

That first year was such a task wasnt it? Geez! Talk about testing your faith huh? But you know what EllaBee, We did it! You were a fighter like mommy.You took a beating and you made it look effortless.I admired you.I appreciated you.I never took anything for granted.Every milestone was the greatest day of my life.You made me so very proud.Im deeply in love with you.I knew from the day you were born that we were soul mates.You were made for me, here on Earth...and beyond the clouds.

Happy 1st birthday Erawyn Jizelle <3

WE MADE IT! 

No mother in the world was more in love with their child as i was that day.I planned that day down to the T.I wanted EVERYTHING perfect for you.You deserved perfection and thats what you received.I couldnt believe that we made it this far.After all we went through, all the hospital vists, lung collapse scares, feeding issues, not growing.....You did it.

We were both ready for this new journey.we strapped on our belts and pressed go.

I enjoyed life with you.You always amazed me.It was never a dull moment.Everyday was an adventure.You were growing so fast and I was right there, holding your hand.You learned to smile, and boy...that day melted my heart.You had the most gorgeous smile i had EVER seen.I would do anything to catch that smile...and you were such a sucker.you always fell for my tricks lol.You LOVED my tickles and toe nibbling...and of course i was a sucker to think you were to one who enjoyed it more.

Happy 2nd Birthday Princess.

You were starting to realise life.You werent a little baby anymore.You were walking, talking (boy, i could NOT get you to shut up) and getting into EVERYTHING.The funny thing was, i let you do whatever you wanted.I told myself, let her be.Let this little warrior do whatever the hell she wanted to.Yeah its 10pm, let her have a sip of your soda.Yeah shes 9am, let her have hot cheetos...i understand shes 2, but she WILL sleep with me.That pretty much summed up that huh lol.You ruled this house and noone stopped you.You had me wrapped in your cute little pinky and i didnt care.Your happiness was all that matter to me.I would literally run to you when i heard a single tear come out from those beautiful eyes.My baby was NOT gonna cry.oooohhhhh no...not my ellabee.Mommy was always there to rescue you.Spoiled???? i think not..more like loved a 100000000 times over.

Happy 3rd birthday love of my life.

Look how beautiful you are.Perfection.

I cant believe we made it! I cried this day.I was so happy i cried.I couldnt help myself.I was so proud of you, of all you battles you conquered and all the new journeys you were about to face.Your face,personality and heart were growing and i was right there to witness it.How could god have created a more precious soul? i held, loved and appreciated his work.And he chose me.I was so blessed.I was deeply honored.

................................

Happy 4th birthday my Sweet Angel.

You are in heaven now. I spent this last year dreaming about you.I spent this last year wishing you were here.I spent this last year loving you.I spent this year in covered in tears.I spent this last year spreading your story,helping people see what true love and strength really felt like.I spent this last year changing lives.I spent this past year learning who you really were.I spent this past year finding out that I...yes your mommy, loved and raised a chosen Angel.

When you blow out your candles today, wish for a castle.One filled with popsicles and pickles.Wish for something silly EllaBee.Be free.I wanted you to wish on anything you want.Dont think twice.There are no regrets in heaven.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Happy Sweet Birthday love.