pictures.

Its amazing how pictures capture moments in time.its crazy how pictures can bring tears, happiness, heartache, pain,anxiety,and smiles.

its also crazy, how one snap can heal your breaking heart...can bring all your sadness in teary eyes and take you back to that one moment where you just had to capture that gorgeous heavenly, perfect smile.

All i have left is memories and 

Pictures.

I had an obsession of taking pictures of Ella.I wanted to catch every moment in her life.Make sure i never miss a single milestone, even if it was a silly picture of her walking down the street.I always had my camera in hand ready to push that button.

She loved that damn thing.she was always ready to pose for me lol.She would always put her face near me to take one if she saw my camera lol.

I look at her pictures now, and it stings my eyes.I cant help but cry.Not cause im sad, no....

i have accepted the fact that shes gone.I accept the fact that i cant have her back.

but i cry cause it takes me back.I remember those moments.I remember her smiling and running away after the picture.I remember that exact day, and what we were doing.

It takes me to special days, all the she had done.For her to have such a perfect smile, you knew she was loved.

When she got sick, i knew She wasnt gonna make it.I felt like i needed to capture as many pictures as i could possibly take.I become a picture queen.I just sit there in that hospital room and SNAP, SNAP SNAP away.

I couldnt miss a moment.I had to have pictures so i could look at them after she was gone.This was my baby and i had to keep those pictures in my head.I didnt know the impact they would bring after she was actually gone.

this was day one in the hospital.

They said she was fine.Just some weird stomach bug.I took this picture cause i loved how peaceful Ella looked when she was asleep.I cant look at this picture anymore.this was the last normal picture of her.

how funny how pictures can tell a story....

All the rest of Ellas life and the pictures i took are devastating.With each day, the pictures got worst.Her face changed, her body wasnt the same.Sadness and heartache appeared on every single picture.

I wish i didnt take them now.I wish i could have set that camera aside and just lived the moments in my head.No matter what i tell myself, its not ever gonna be ok.it tells the story of a dying baby, one who was about to meet God and all his kingdom.

I have her picture as my screen saver on my phone, i have her pictures all over my house, on my laptop, my walls.EVERYWHERE. I cant stop looking at them.I need them.i need them around me.I need her smile around me.Her toys and clothes are placed in my laundry room, her stuff is in my garage. The only thing that is missing is her.

Constant reminder that a little princess was once here. These memories have mixed emotions.It either makes me cry or makes my day when im down.It sometimes just takes seeing her little smile to make me feel all better.

Its weird how i can have such a great day, no worries in the world, and that one glance of her picture, can tear my world down.Bring me to my knees, swallow up my happiness, spit out me out whole.

Miss you honey bee....i cry cause i miss you, not cause mommy is sad.