Life is not fair.
I had to sit here last night and hear my husband sob for his baby.If yall knew him, you would know that Steven NEVER shows his feelings.Hes a soldier.They suck it up, take it in and move on.Unlike me, who can shred a tear in .06 seconds, this is not him.
I know how much i am hurting.I know what it means to feel your heart ache, but i cant vouche for others. To hear words that cant come out because your heart is tearing up is horrible.
This is our life.You can not imagine the pain, heartache, fears, anxiety, hopelessness, and raw feelings that come out time to time.
Steven was very close to Ella.He was her da-eee.their bond was beyond words.
He was gone my whole pregnacy and the first couple months of her life, due to a deployment.He met her the under grave conditions after she almost died on us.He was so scared to hold her.
He made a soul promise to take care of her for the rest of her life.And that he did.
I did not exist when daddy was around.I spent all day with her and as soon as she heard his car come into the circle, BAM!!!! she was at that door, crying, screaming, yelling for him.When she got tall enough, you best believe she would swing open that damn door and dart for him.
He would always stay in the hospital with her.He wanted to be right there when they poked her and made her cry.I was not strong enough for it.
He was also the last person to hear before she went into a coma........
This haunts him.
She was in pain and crying for water the day before everything happened.Steven stayed up all night with her feeding her water.
I feel so bad for him..To this day he feels so responsible for her death.He feels like he didnt do enough to help her.He wasnt home enough to spoil her.He was deployed and missed her birth.I hear him tell her hes sorry.
There are no other words to say to something like this but "she knew".She knew that he loved her beyond words.She knew he did everything in his power to protect and love her.She knew that daddy would always come home with hot cheetos, pickles and candy for her.EVERYTIME lol.she knew that where ever daddy went, she was coming along with him.
Its hard to hear him cry.I instantly break down.but i hold it in and be strong for him.Us two, we are the only ones that truly knows its not ok.Its not fair, things arent gonna be ok.We lost it all.
But we also know that we have 3 other beautiful babies that we need to get back.they lost 3 years of their lives because of Ella.Our "normal" world stopped the day she was born.
My kids NEVER hated her.They never once told us that Ella was more important.They knew she was sick.They loved her beyond words.They would never complain, they always gave in to her every desire.lol..she taught them what it truly meant to share, learn and love.
We are now learning to pick up where we left 4 years ago.Get back the kids and start living the normal life.Starting over again, is not easy by any means, but its a must.We owe it to the other 3 parts of our hearts.
2 comments:
My heart ached reading this, I am going through something similar with Derek! Daddies love just as hard as us Mommies!
Sometimes we spend so much time with our children that we start feeling like we are the only ones who hurt for them, I think. The other day, my husband said something that made me stop and think, "That's right. He is OUR child, not just MINE." I had unintentionally hurt his feelings, and it still makes me feel ashamed when I think about it. Daddies DO hurt just as bad as mamas and that truth hurts us in turn. . . I read one of your other posts and you had mentioned that God gave you three other children to help you through this time. :-D He gave you your husband, too. To share life with another person is such a wonderful gift. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your husband. God bless you.
Post a Comment