my lifetime.

JUMP...then fall.

If only it was this easy, this graceful, this serene. 

This is how i feel.This what i wanna do, just let go, just jump out of my mind and have my heart feel some peace.

Its not fair that i get to see my kids grow up and not my baby.I get to enjoy all life's little moments with my children and i still have this void.This world of  heartache and sadness. Im in a whole new category of people.I have experience the worst pain, and its still there...its gonna stay there. i have great days, i started a new job that i love (even though so stressful, but i got this) and i have made the most amazing friends there.I have great things in my life that i shouldnt be complaining about.But,its the pain.its the pain i carry around and it comes out when im alone, lost in my thoughts. its almost a year since she went to Heaven and its still very very raw,like if it was just yesterday. I have these moments that are like pictures...clicking in my deepest memories...they click, click, click away.I see flashes of my kids, all of them, together.happy great times, the hard times the ever so peaceful times.Then click....her sweet little face.I cant get over how hard this is for me.The sadness i cant get away from.I miss my life when she was here.I need it back.

I have my kids now.They make me so happy.Im so deeply in love with them.Every time i look at them ,i see just how lucky i really am.The love i have for Dylan,Kilian and Phoenix is beyond heaven.Its above the pure joy, happiness and love that God provides to each and every one of us.You have no idea how much they mean to me.How much i appreciate the little people they are.Their strengths, their hobbies, their personalities.I appreciate it.The love that they have for me keeps me going.I love seeing them laughing, and joking and playing with their friends.Those moments helps me forget that i have pain in the heart.It helps me remember that this is what God left me with.This love.This deep motherly love that he wants to me provide for them.No matter what i do, what choices i make in my life, good or bad...im the best person to those 3 babies.Im mommy and their happiness depends on me.

Its the time when im alone in my thoughts, when ,my kids aren't around me that i get into a deep depression.Its the moments where my mind is left to wonder.those are my darkest saddest times.I realize what i don't have.what i am missing.What i want back.My heart misses Ella.My life just doesn't seem complete without her.She made such an impact in my life that now...it seems awkwardly empty.I miss having all the responsibly for her, protecting her, making her smile.

I feel like im standing in this LONG waiting line with the number 1,000,000,000, and the light is blinking at 1.That number is not moving for the life of me.You know that anxious feeling when your waiting and you honestly just wanna say FUCK it and walk away, you'll come back another day???? Thats what i feel like.Its the waiting game.Yes, i will see her again, i know this is most true.But what about the time till then? What shall i do while in waiting in "line"? 

there is no way to avoid it, absolutely not.This is what God put in my path.He knew what he wanted for me.He has this master plan and i have yet to grasp it. I feel very fickle on what he chose for me.He gave me heaven for 3 years then snatched it back from her, like a thief in the night.I never thought i could feel this much  pain and i have gone though some shit in my life.Nothing has EVER been easy for me.I have the worst luck.But i had it all.I had what made me strong.But, taking her away, gave me the biggest beating i would never have imagine. I'm grateful for these past 9 years.But.....

There is so much i can handle.What doesn't kill us...makes us stronger right???? I hope God understands how strong im trying to be cause boy...im barely hanging on.