I was robbed.....

I was robbed....I felt like God took a good chunk of my big heart and carried it off to heaven. This piece of my heart was Erawyn. I will have to wait my lifetime to hold my baby again. I will have to wait to hear her little giggle. I will have to wait to smell her skin.I will have to wait to see my baby's most beautiful smirk. That smile melted my heart everyday. I did EVERYTHING in my power to get a glimpse of that piece of heaven.

She was my heaven.She was my heart.She was my welcome home present everyday.She was that one person in my life that loved me, love me cause she wanted to, not cause she had to.I was mommy, i was her strength, and her comfort.Me....i was...i helped her.I was there.i held her when she needed me.i wiped her tears away and made her calm.She was my shadow....my little princess.

It haunts me everyday, all day, that I made the decision to let her go.YES..this is what was best, and yes i know i did the right thing...but..... What parent, who? would have to face this decision? To let her baby go? I did. I sat there and grieved my baby weeks before she died.I know she was gone, and my heart hurt.I was dying along with her. I couldnt come to grip that my Ella, MY BABY, was gonna die.She was gonna die. How could this happen????? why her?? why the one person, that fought all her life to just life....was gonna die, and slowly. That i had to step up as a parent, put my feelings and fears aside and help her.Help ease her pain.

I keep seeing her, on her last day..in my head.Over and over again.The look on her face.Her little body struggling to breathe for 12 hours. The color of her skin as she laid on me...dying.I see that.I feel the pain i experienced that day.The pain, the anxiety, the fear, the tears, the tiredness....All that and i still had to keep it together for her.I had to keep the strength to hold her till she past. I was sooo scared.I wanted to hold her soo tight that god could see i needed her more.I wanted him to let her stay.I needed her.She was my life.And i had to sit there and let my life go. I held my baby when she took her last breathe.I held her as her soul left her body. I felt her body go limp and i lost it. I couldnt stop my body from crying. I have never sobbed that hard in my life.It was a deep dark pain that only a mother could feel.I felt her leave and i will NEVER forget that.I held her so close to my body, i didnt want hr warmth to leave her.I wanted to grab it and keep it with me forever.

After that day, I had no time to think.I had no time to cry.To show any emotions.I planned out her furneral to make it a special day.I had great help from my friends and family.They were my backbone, my support. I couldnt believe i was doing all of this.I wasnt ready.

I finally hit me the moment i realised i was never gonna see her body again. The last time i looked at her...i broke down. She was gone...but her body was still there. I wanted to snatch her from that casket, and hold her forever, but i knew i couldnt.I knew that i had to say my last goodbye and walk away from her forever.Seeing that casket closed and carried by my brothers was lifechanging. I knew she was in there. I felt her. It was so sad. I couldnt fight for her anymore.  My job for her was done. She didnt need me anymore. That is what i felt. I was hopeless and helpless. My mission in life is to always protect my babies.And i couldnt anymore.

I felt defeated and cheated.I was robbed. She was taken from me. Might as well have snatched her from my arms.She had no chance. This one hit her like a ton of bricks. AND we had to watch her slowly slip away.
I did  ,however, feel like God gave me this chance with her. He let me say goodbye and make the right decisions as a person. I had to step back and see what i thought life meant. I had the oppurtunity to hold her, bathe her, comfort my own soul and love her for a whole month.She was gone, but she fought still. I knew from the beginning she wasnt gonna live, but she showed me to stay strong and help her to the end. I felt lucky that i had this time with her.Some parents lose their babies suddenly and never got the chance to blink. I did. I was the lucky one. Doesnt make it any easier, but he knew what he was doing.  I cried and sobbed for him to bring her back, and he didnt let her.  He needed her more.And i had to accepted it, no matter how much i cried or prayed.....he needed her more.

My Erawyn didnt leave this world unknown.She lived a full life.She lived life so spectular.She was a golden old soul that had this presence around her.You felt special when she was near you. She was a smilemaker. and made fears and loneliness disappear. She taught everyone around her love.She was just this little ray of sunshine, that would light up any room.Seeing her personality and her attitude brought happiness to my heart.She knew love.She wasnt left out.She knew she had people in her life that would anything for her.And she gave back 10 times in return.

My heart will never be better. I will alway carry this pain...2 months, 3 years, 10 yrs down the road. I will always ask why......i will always look at a little baby girl and feel a pain in my heart, i will always wonder what sh would look like and who she wouldh have been.Always.

Erawyn, mommy misses you so much. There isnt a moment in my day where u dont cross it. i love you so much hunny bee. I still cant believe ur gone, but i know ur happy.I know ur keeping all those angels on their toes and causing havoc there. I know u have a big purple and pink castle there filled with horses and puppies and pickles and hot cheetos.....dont eat too much cause it gives you tummy aches. please watch over me and guide me. i need you. I know that the day i go to heaven, it will be you...my love to greet me.Just know Ella, that when that happens, i willl smoother you with kisses......