Death is Freedom.

Death.That is a word that i have come to terms with.Its a taboo ordeal that EVERYONE goes through.Everyone dies.Noone likes to talk about it, yet we will all, every single one of us will go through.

During this past year,i have been overly fickle (yes Rachel Mckee, i finally used that word in a blog, i have been dying to use it lol). Im very fickle with excepting my baby's death.

I have days where, i can NOT get over the fact that she is gone.I sit here and get so mad.I wanna run to that cemetery, dig dig dig dig and lay there with her forever.There are days where i get panic attacks and constantly go back to the hospital,i sit there and think FUCK, i could have done this, i could have done that, i could have saved her.I COULD HAVE SAVED HER.I was her protector.I was her advocate, it was my job to keep her alive....There are days where i feel sorry for myself, i want to close my eyes and pinch myself.I wanna believe that this is a cruel evil joke and when i open my eyes, there she will be, laying next to me...her hair in her face, pinching me to wake up.

Then there are times where God speaks to me.

Now, i use that term "talking to God" very loosely.No, i dont have visions, or hear voices in my ears.NO, thats not what im sayn.Im talking about signs.Im a huge believer in signs and gifts.I think that we as people are given gifts.We are given signs and awareness.Its little things like seeing a random purple flower bloom over night, or passing a billboard that has a picture or words that catch your eyes.Or passing up a little girl in the mall dragging a tinkerbell doll.Now my "signs" always come to me just when i need it.Its always there for me at my lowest moments in my life.It comes to me, just when my heart is aching.

Now, with that being said.....

I was watching a random, very random movie last night on Netflix called "The Way Back".It was about a group of people that escaped from a POW camp, and had to travel 4000 miles on FOOT!! to their destination...Well this wasn't a movie that i would usualyl watch.Its not a new or popular movie.But, it was so good.We were very into it.Well, we were watching it and there was a part where one of the characters was dying.He laid there dying and told the other traveler that he couldn't go any longer, and the other guy said he had to try.He couldn't give up....Then that dying man looked at him and said something that, i truly believe was a sign....he said....

"Death is Freedom"

I teared up.My heart was racing.I had to slow down my breathing.I had a bad evening that day.I sat there for an hour, with my boys and cried looking at pictures.I was so mad at God.I was so mad that they were hurting.i was so mad that i had to look at pictures now.i was mad that i couldn't help but cry when i look at them.I was pissed off that i couldn't keep myself together.My heart was severely hurt.

Then, i saw this movie.

I felt like it was for me.I felt like it was a sign.It was for me, to ease my heart.

This brings me to say this....There are also days where i accept what has been handed to me.I psych myself to believe that Erawyn is free.She isn't hurting.She is in Heaven, of course, and that she doesn't miss me.She is at peace, no more hurting, no more pain, no more needles, shots, exams, tears, medicine, pokes, cuts..nothing.Totally peace and pure joy.I tell myself that she is with Jesus, and all the angels and that she has this castle full of hot cheetos and puppies.I close my eyes and see her running through fields of lilies and daisies, flowers in her hair.A basket in her hands, gathering butterflies......This people is my Heaven.This is where i will be.This is where i need to be.This is where i dream of.

I need my signs.I need to know that even on my hardest days, Ella is right there with me, telling me keep going.I know its her.I know that she is doing all the weird stuff around me.She puts me exactly where i need to be at that perfect time.I remember when she was in the hospital, her teacher came to see her and brought her this huge pink Minnie mouse.Ella never knew who minnie was.I had never brought her one....Well that same day, we went to church in the chapel there in the hospital.Well don't you know, there was a little girl in there with a little pink Minnie mouse.I looked at my mother in law and she saw it.We both started to cry.The Chaplin saw it and smiled at me.He was up in the room that day and saw Ella's new doll.He knew.He saw it.He was on the same page as us.

There are times where i feel this soft, soft wind by my ear.I felt this for the first time i walked in the house after Ella's funeral.I knew she was walking with me.I couldn't do anything but smile.She didnt want me to be alone.It gave me the courage to throw away all her medicine and bottles from the counter we passed by everyday.

I need this.He knows i do.He gave me this trial, i prevailed, and now hes giving back to me.So yes, i may be very fickle with my grieving, but i know that Ella Bee is with me.I know that even when i feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and wave that flag....Ella will not let me.She will keep sending me little signs to help rebuild my strength.