one of those days..

Ugh.

Yes, its one of those days.

Its one of those days, where i dont want to do anything but look at pictures, i wanna fill my mind with happiness and sweet unforgettable memories. 

Its one of those days where i want to curl up in a ball, close my eyes and day dream of her.

I hate going through my day and wishing she was here. I look around and vision her running around this house.

I should have spent more time with her.I should have not left during the day to "get some fresh air" .It kills me to know that she would cry for me when i walked out the door.She wanted me all the time and all i wanted to do was be alone.I felt like i needed some alone time.And the stupid thing is that I would constantly worry about her the WHOLE time i was gone.I text her nurse and ask how she was doing. 

I wish i could take that back, i wish i could have just took her everywhere i went and not left her there.She would have loved to just get out the house and be with mommy, it didnt matter where we went.

she loved to go outside and run everywhere.She was so independent.She didnt need us there, she was free.She had no boundaries, no worries, no limits.She knew that no matter what she thought....We were right behind her.

I would sit there on the curb and admire her.I would think of all that she has accomplished, and smile.That was the baby that was blind, that was the baby that wouldnt live.

And she did.

She was never left out, we treated her normal.She was normal to us.She took everything like a champ.she tried everything.She wanted to do everything just like her brothers and sister..

I miss her courage.She was a constant reminder that anything was possible.I fed off her energy.I wanted to be just like her.STRONG.I was so proud to show her off to her doctors.They were always in Awe of her.She was such a little morale booster.

I know that shes looking down at me and smiling.She sees how strong i have been.She would be proud of me.I like to think that she gives me a strong heart to carry on for her siblings.

The love for my kids is what keeps me going.Im so in love with them.They are the only reason i havent truly broken down.They dont need a zombie for a mom.They need me emotionally strong.When im having a bad day, its them, those 3 little kiddos, that do something stupid to make me laugh.God didnt burden me with 3 kids, he gave them to me at the perfect time, cause he knew i was going to need them.He knew they were going to be my strength when he decided to take my baby home <3