Hope.

HOPE.

Webster has defined this word as follows: 

 "to cherish a desire with anticipation"

.................

I never thought about this word so much till this morning.I got home and the first thing i did was look over to my bed, "hoping" to see my Ella Bee...sleeping like a beauty, wrapped up in my blanket, drooling, and hair all over her angelic face.The sting of tears filled my eyes and i had to stop what i was doing and take a step back in reality.As much i hope and pray and wish...i cant have that back.I cant sneak in my room and tickle her to wake her up.I wont be woken up by a hair pull or a slap in the face...or a machine beeping.

I feel like the world has stopped.Yes, i appear happy, i joke alot, i smile, i "go" on with my life...but inside..right inside my heart..it aches.I never thought in my life, i would have to bury one of the pieces of my heart.i never thought,even though she was very sick, she would die.I thought she would wake up, i thought she would just wake up.I HOPED that my baby would live till old age.I HOPED that she would prove the world wrong and overcome all her disabilities.But, all that hope was gone the day she was born.

We knew she was severely sick since she was 2 months old.They had no life expectancy.They told me they didn't think she would live a full life.BUT, she was my Ella.She was special.She was this little bitty thing that just made your heart feel better.I had hope.

Then, i had discovered something.Something that made me stop hoping.I learned from this last hospital visit that i have to just stop hoping.I had to accept that i cant hope, cause it is God's will.He was gonna take her no matter what.He needed her more.I had to accept things i couldn't change.Things that were literally out of this world.I felt it.I knew that she was going, i didn't want to pray.i didn't want to hear people tell me that she was gonna wake up.

I also discovered something that day too.I experienced what the "mothers instinct" truly felt like.I knew in my heart and soul and of course my gut, that she was gonna die.I had to literally stop hoping.I pushed it away and starting thinking logically...where do we go as a family now? What are we dealing with.Mommy mode kicked in and i had to keep it together for my family.I couldn't tell them i didn't have hope.I just didn't say anything at all.Who was i to break their spirits and the prayers of those around the world.i just couldn't.

Now.

I will live with my "moments of hope".I will always have regret, even though i made the right choice.I will have moments where i wish i spent more time with her, did more things with her, spoiled her more.but, that is all i have left.Wishing.i cant stop the tears, for they are automatic still.Still very raw.My anxiety is off the charts.I cant even get excited without a full blown panic attack.Im working on it.

When you are grieving, and all you live on is hopes and dreams, you might as well curl up in a ball and refuse human existence.It is a sad lonely place to be in.Yes, there are moments when I wish for this....

But then i remember,I had this beautiful life for 3 years.I got to witness Godly things.I held, loved, and appreciated Erawyn.And Even when I cry cause i wish she was here....She WAS here.

And Even though, i have those moments of hope, and wishes...i just close my eyes and see her.Any moment i want, i grasp it.I soak it in.I smile cause I know shes with me.