Im ok mommy....

Its been 8 months.

I have always heard that the deceased come to our dreams to let us know they are ok.I hadnt had that.I would lay there and squeeze my eyes.I would make up these short dreams of her.

But they werent legit.

This would make me very sad because i have had people write to me and tell me that Ella had came to them in the dreams and they felt like she wanted me to know.But, i had no luck.No dreams.

Then, finally she came to me.

This is what i saw.

I was standing outside of some house on a concrete slab kinda like a back porch.The back door swings open and comes out a stampede of kids.In the mist of this herd, was my Erawyn.She was wearing her little blue jean shorts, with her lime green flower shirt.She ran just like in the picture right towards me.She was so happy, so calm, so herself.

I snatched her up in one scoop and held her against my chest.I smelt her, squeezed her, drowned her in kisses and tears.The best part was that...SHE LET ME.

She didnt squeal or wiggle around for me to let her down, she embraced me.She giggled and just let the moment happen.I felt at that moment that I wasnt dreaming, she was here.She was in my arms forever, no illness, no infection...just Ella Bee.

I remember walking in the house, and there was a team of doctors siting on my table.It was the strangest thing.They were equipped with white coats and stethoscopes and all.I looked at Ella, and I told them, she was never gonna die, they would test her every time she had a damn booger, scratch, bruise, anything that lead to any suspicion.I made them swear to listen to me and take care of her.And they nodded their head in shame.I looked at Ella and promised to always take care of her no matter what.She was never gonna leave mommy's sight again.She didn't say a word.Just smiled.But i felt in my heart,that she agreed with me and understood.

This dream was her way of telling me she was ok.I always envisioned that my first dream would be placed in a hospital setting, for this the last vision i had of her.But no....she was a free spirit, full of smiles and no worries  in the world.

I woke up, and cried.I hit how much i missed her.How my heart was still in serious pain over over my loss.Im so grateful for this wonderful dream, but it hit straight to my soul.It hit a soft spot that lead the flood gates to burst open and no structure to help mend it back.You would think that it would put my heart at ease, for this usually happens.But it left me grieving even more.

I don't think that I was ready for it. I heard something yesterday that made sense to me.She doesnt miss me,shes in the the land of angels and with god.She cant miss me.But.......I miss her.This is what keeps me in my darkness.I cant get over the fact that she is gone.This is MY loss.My pain.My emptiness.My avoidance of dreams.

I feel like once i can finally talk about her without tears, anxiety, nervousness, and fear....I can dream freely.

One day.