In a storm.

These pictures capture the worst day of my life.

The day Erawyn went to Heaven.

My Ella bee was dying in these pictures.The first one shows moments right before we took her off the vent.We made sure she was beautiful and prepared. We took her a bath,my mommy braided her hair,we painted her nails,prayed.We were surrounded by family.

The second picture was almost an hour before she died.I held her all day.she never left my arms.I could feel her body, i could see her face change colors.i would put my hand on her chest to feel her heart slowly dying.....I kept her little hand on my heart.i wanted her to feel how mommy's heart was beating with hers.

 This picture will forever sum up the everlasting love and bond that we share.Death can not EVER take that away from me.

...................

A couple of months after Ella's death, I was silently grieving.I couldnt understand why this happened to me.Why? WHY her? WHY me? Why my heart??

There was so much sadness that i couldnt deal with.I was forever searching for some kind of perspective on why.I wanted to know an overall broad answer.I didnt care if it related to just me.I wanted to know why people go through heartache, stress, pain, loss, anxiety, death.

Then i heard the best piece of wisdom that changed my life.

"You are either going into a storm,in a storm, or leaving a storm." 

After hearing this....it hit me.It was explained to me in a way that brought tears to my eyes.

It put all the answers i have been searching for.All in one tiny quote that was passed down to this special person, who passed it to me.

I felt like it was a God moment. Like "here.....there you go.There is your answer Jonnika.Thats why." 

I realized that yes....

I entered a storm, i had ella.I had to grow up real fast.I had to push all my fears and scaredy cat moments aside and fight for her.I didnt have time to feel sorry for myself, my kids,or her.I was her guardian, her protector, her advocate.God had chose me, to make sure His Miracle knew love.That is the purpose of life.TO LOVE. Erawyn Jizelle was surrounded by people who not only loved her, but appreciated her. 

My Storm started the day she entered PICU.MY whole entire world poured down on me like a slow drizzle.We didnt know when it would pass.We sat there with umbrellas and our rain boots. We couldnt imagine the worst that was yet to come.But, we held on.We prayed, and never left her side.Our lives changed.It was just like a tornado charged in and crumbled my heart to the ground.

I am still in my storm.

I am still consumed by death, heartache and anxiety.

But.

I do realize now, that everyone has their own storms.Everyone must go through  sorrow to know LOVE.

We are constantly proving that we are strong.We do this for our families, our friends and our lives.Its a never-ending battle within ourselves to stay happy. We have to fight to keep things perfect and under control, even when death comes knocking on our hearts.

I also believe now that God is always with me.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

                            do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
                              I will strengthen you and help you; 
                       I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

                                                                -Isaiah 41:10

I do not fear like i used to.I know that if i ask for strength, God will answer me because I possess a strong heart.He has tested me beyond belief and he knows that no matter what storm he casts upon me...

I will let my inner strength, the strength that has built up,shine.