its like a faucet.

i found a video today of my Sweet hunny bee.

It was just her, being herself.Silly girl.

It really made my heart hurt.

I can not believe shes gone.I cant believe this.

I miss my baby God,Please give her back,I'd take her place.id do it.

Just to have her back in everyones lives.Id do that.I cant live without her.

Its been 7 months, and it already feels like an eternity.Feels like i cant feel her, remember her.I wish everynight that i dream of her and nothing,I dont see her.there are times where i cant remember her voice, her smell, her hair, her smile.

How i miss her.

She was my little partner in crime.We would get in the shower together and Sing really loud on the top of our lungs and piss daddy off.lol.i would make her sing stupid taylor swift songs..(those were her favorite) she would run butt naked to her room cause she knew where Jessica(her nurse) kept the gloves at.She would run back to the shower and make me fill it up with water so she could splash it all over her face.There were always at least 2 gloves in the shower at all times.Just for her,

I remember she always wanted to be a big girl.She knew what was going on around her.She thought that school was in the bus cause she would see my kids get into the bus.Like it would ride around all day with teachers in there.lol...she was so ready for school.she wanted to ride that damn bus.She loved to grab her little backpack full of clothes and walk with me to the busstop.she was so silly,She would hide behind my legs once it showed up cause the noise scared her lol.Aaaaahhh...she would be so excited to see her brothers and sissy get off the bus, she would run up to them, hug them really tight and act like a big girl while walking home.

I remember when her last birthday was coming up.I called a friend and cried over the plone.I was so happy that Ella had made it to her 3rd birthday.All my fear of not making to that point was gone.She had proved EVERYONE wrong.I cried cause i was so happy! She was my entire world.NO one understands who much she meant to me.God made her for me.

i have really bad "Ella" moments.

They are moments in my day, where i cant help myself and my thoughts,I cant stop my tears.I cant control my feelings.A random memory pops into my mind and the tears start flowing.I cant stop them, its too strong.

Then i hate God.I hate this feeling.I hate that this is what i have left.TEARS.What cruel reason does this serve?What is the purpose? 

No, it wont be ok.My life was perfect the way it is.Yes she was sick,very sick.But my baby was so happy.she was the light of my life.She was my world.She was my best friend.She loved me.i was her world.i was her best friend.She was so tough.She would take all the shots and pokes and needles and medicine and take it like a champ.God had made her so tough.

she was such an awesome little person.Her personality was so amazing.She was so beautiful inside and out.She had this presence, this light in her.She had this energy.She would give that little crooked smile and you  instantly felt better.You would forget all your sadness and just love her.You couldn't help but embrace her little body and tickle her.You could never be mad at her.You just couldnt.She could never do wrong, even when she did bad things lol.You couldnt build up the courage to get mad at her lol.I spoiled her so much.

She always loved to sleep with mommy and daddy.That was her safe haven.She would fall asleep on the couch and we would pick her up to put her to bed.She was half asleep and look at me with the most beautiful face and voice and say...."mommys bed please" ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! and i could NEVER say no,I loved her near me.I would tickle her and make her laugh to keep her awake lol.She would be so sleepy lol.She would pull my hair and pull me away lol.

Every morning Jessica would show up and ella would be either be in her crib or laying with me in bed.Jessica would let her come sleep with me.Those were the best moments.All she wanted was to be with mommy.I would tell her.."ok Ella,either you go night night or im gonna call jessica!" and she would say "NO MOMMY! MEAN MOMMY!!!!!" lol....ahhhhhhhh and she of cours would close her eyes real quick.

i loved to kiss her feet,i would tickle her and kiss her little feet.