Dear Erawyn....

Hello baby,

There is so much i want to say to you.This is letter 1 from mommy.I will start writing you.I need you to hear what i have to say.It may not all make sense to you cause mommy will just let her fingers type away.But i know you will understand me.

I remember the day i found out i was pregnant,I was so scared.I cried to nana.I couldnt do it.I was not in the right place to have 4 kids, no house, no help.Nothing.But nana told me she would help me.She said for me to not cry cause we needed you.i said ok.I felt like God put those words in her mouth cause she wouldnt have ever said things like that.She was in a bad position herself.

I remember the day i found out about your face.I cried and cried and cried.I couldnt believe that God would do this to me...to you.I wanted you perfect Ella, you were my miracle baby, and i wanted a healthy perfect baby.But mommy made the decision to just suck it up, learn about this and make sure you felt love.And thats exactly what i did.

i stopped crying.I told myself, that no matter what...you were gonna be my little princess you were gonna be beautiful just the way you are.

I remember the day i had you.I have NEVER in my life, EVER felt so much love.You looked at me right after i delivered you, and i was sold.Your face was so puffy, and so bruised, and ill i felt was love.the weird thing was that i didnt feel scared, i did cry though.I was pissed that you have to endure all what was about to happen to you.But i wasnt scared.I put my mommy hat on and just let life happen.

They sure take along time to test you huh? 8 hrs to be exact....they made me wait that long to see you! bastards Ella...bastards..I was so nervous..i didnt know what to expect.But i wasnt scared.

Ohhhhhhhh, the first time i saw you...you were all bundled up in that little clear bassinet.You had this full set of jet black hair.You looked like a angel.My perfect little angel.You were so calm.You werent crying, nothing.I was so proud of you.All i wanted to do was look at you and drink in all that love. I wanted to snatch you up and run away to Perfectland and never let anyone hurt you.

I remember the first time i held you.The world had stopped.

i held you so close to my body, i wanted you to know mommy was there and wasnt gonna let you go.You felt so warm, this little body i dreamt about for 9 months, worried about, was finally here and in my arms...the safest arms you will ever be in.

I was so proud of you Ella.I loved you so much,Everyone that saw you would tell me how beautiful you were and it made my heart so happy.I would sit there in the NICU and just stare at you.i saw beyond your mouth.It didnt bother me at all.

I want you to know that mommy knew from day one that you were an angel.I knew that this was gonna be hard.Yes, i had doubts...but i didnt think in my weirdest dreams that he wouldnt take you back.If someone would have said...in 3 years Jonnika, she is gonna die...i would have laughed in their faces baby.I really would have.You were a fighter,and i was your right hand man..

I will write you to later honey bee.Ill let you go run off and play.Be careful ok.Dont give those other spirits a hard time...we all know how bossy you are lol.Dont be tearing up their artwork lol, or stick your hands in their ice water...lol......

Ugh, i miss you so much.My heart is hurting and i know you are right next to me kissing my face.You hated when i cried.but sometimes i just cant help it.My heart goes real deep inside and the tears just come out.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Love,
your earth mommy <3