Its so lonely without you.

Goodness.

I really miss my baby.

Yes, i can say it over and over and no...shes not coming back.But, i just cant get over the fact that shes really not coming back.

Its almost her 4th birthday and i feel like i will not be able to handle the countdown.How can i sit here and not think about what that day will bring?How can i sit here and think of all the sadness and anxiety i will endure the one day out of the year that is supposed to be celebrated with pure happiness, excitement and smiles.

I dont know if my heart can handle this.I wont be full of happiness, i wont be excited but would want the day to just end.

This day is supposed to be celebrated around a table, but no....i will spend it standing in front of her grave.

I remember crying on her 3rd birthday, just so happy that we accomplished getting there and now...i will do the exact same thing.

I just wish that i could hold her.I wish i came home from work and see her little dirty face running towards my car with excitement.Sometimes i imagine that once i turn the corner of the circle, shes gonna be there...waiting for me.

I miss her wanting me.I miss that comfort i would give her when she needed cuddle time.I miss being her mommy.I miss having a little person calling "mommmmmmmmmy" the moment they wake up.I would think.....WOW, i am the first thought in her beautiful head.I loved walked in her room and seeing her face covered in curly messy hair, her hands under her face...sleeping like an angel.I miss watching her trying to get my attention by dancing, smiling and acting a fool.She know just what to do to make me smile.That little sucker knew EXACTLY what i needed.

I miss that.

(Ellabee, ugh, i never thought i would be writing you at age 3.I never thought i would be spending your day of birth at a dirt mound.You didnt deserve anything of this.Im so sorry i couldnt make your head feel better.I should have taken you in the first day you got sick.Im sorry i forced you to wear that stupid halloween costume with only one strap when you didnt want to.I wish i could have just let you wear it anyway you wanted.but you were a champ my love.You sucked it up cause mommy said you looked beautiful,....and you did.You were the cutest pebbles that ever trick or treated.God knows how much i love and miss you.He knows the pain that i go through and have been though.He knows.He also needs to know that once i get to where you are....he cant have you anymore.So he better spend as much time as he needs to cause me and you are running away the moment i get there!- love....mommy honey.)

This song is for my Erawyn Jizelle.

Im lonely without her.She will come home one day.

One day.