"No hay amor perdido entre nosotros.": Give me wings....and I will fly.

Give me strength, and I will grow.

Give me love, and I will live.

GIVE ME WINGS, AND I WILL FLY.

1 year ago, I let my Soul go home.

I held her close to my chest, as her....and my entire heart went to Heaven.

I put her hand on my heart for 11 hours as she slowly let her body rest.

I kissed the most warm, gentle, softest lips as she rested on my body.

I told My Erawyn,it was ok to finally let go....God was ready for her return.

1 year ago, I possessed the hardest, strongest heart in my chest.I had asked God for strength, and peace of mind, and first time in my 25 years of life, I felt and saw a prayer happen.

I cant tell you how I did not go crazy knowing my baby was gonna die from a brain infection.I cant tell you why I didnt try to kill myself during my depression.I cant tell you why I felt so calm and at peace minutes after my baby, my whole entire world came to a end......but I did, I was bulletproof strong for her.I kept it together for everyone else, and for Ella.I knew in my heart that i had to be strong for her.I was her protector. I put on my mother shield and helped my baby go to heaven in the most peaceful, loving, comfortable way.She deserved a strong heart during her journey back.

If someone told me 5 years ago that I was gonna be a baby widow, I would have called them a liar.I would have laughed in their face, NOT ME! God put her in my life for a reason and he wouldnt take her back.Thats insane.

I was too greedy.I was so in love with her that I couldnt imagine life without her.She was my entire world.I was fighting for her.This couldnt happen to me.

People say they live for their kids, not I.No....I lived through her.I was this new person.I became a better mother because of her.I learned that my kids were gifts, I learned to appreciate and love every single moment of their lives.I told them I loved them more, cause I knew what it meant to have a sick unhealthy child, i saw God's love in my baby.She had this strength that was so amazing to see.

I was better because Ella was in my life.Her presence was like a drug.She was addicting and I made sure I gave back to what she was giving me.I made sure that she knew what love felt like.She was deeply loved.

I miss my baby so much.I cant describe to you the pain, the deep sorrow I feel every morning.I cant see her, i cant touch her, i cant hold her.I have to suck up heavy tears every day of this new life.I sit there and every other moment is sadness.I cant even look at phone, cause there she is...right on my screensaver..smiling.And it kills me every time.I dont want to change it, cause ill miss seeing her little face....its a lose/lose situation.I love her so much that i cant go a hour without thinking of her.I just cant.I have this heavy burden of guilt, pain, sadness, happiness, smiles, joy....all at the same time and it physically hurts.Its an obsession.I find myself staring at her pictures.I just want her back.I dont want to have to look at a piece of glossy papers to get my heart feeling better.

I can honestly say that God is putting special people in my life.He brought me peace at my most needing moments.Its a random funny text, a simple hello, or a good pick-me-up, always at the perfect time.I feel like these people are in my life for a reason and they dont even know it.Hes making me strong again, and these people are his way of replacing what Im missing.

....................................................

I cant go back to life before.I cant close my eyes and there she will be.I cant live in 2010 again.I cant sit on my bed and pray for her return.Its not possible.But what is possible is sharing her love.I still live through her.I spread her story every chance i get.God puts me in random peoples lives for a split second to share a piece of her, and it changes their lives.I have a powerful story to tell, and thats why God gave me Erawyn.He knew I could withstand this horrible nightmare and tell people who need proof that strength is real.Her story is real, her pain was real, her death was very real.And I witnessed it all.

Today, one of heaven's most precious messengers went back home.She left behind a bond between us that is beyond love.She left a peace of Heaven in my heart.Even through I will never get over losing her, I know why she was here.I get it.Missing her is my eternal battle that i must live with till I see her again.