suck it up, move along.

Time will tell........right?

Thats how shit runs in life right? You simply wait.You cant control certain things in life and sometimes waiting is like chasing purple unicorns in a field full of dreams.

This is something i cant deal with;the whole waiting gig is just not for me.I cant seem to get over the fact that i cant control this feeling.No sympathy needed cause this is life, this is what God had in store for me.Dont need someone to explain to me why cause i already know.

What my problem is the control of high anxiety.Its a constant cloud of darkness and emptiness that follows me everywhere.It always seems to creep up on me, just when i think im good.

This is not true.I am not good.I see a baby at the store and in a split second my eyes tear up.I get a deep choke in my throat and i want to desperately  just walk over and hold that random baby. But, of course im not insane...so i smile and walk away.

The healing process is way overrated.Its not the glorious event that happens over night like in the movies.Not at all.I wissssssh it was crammed into a 2 hour segment that ends with a happy ending and life lesson learned.

Life just doesnt happen like that.Not for me at least.

Ive lost my mind and im trying to get it back piece by piece.Im trying to gather my sadness and keep it bottled up cause noone wants a negative sally around.I do try to be happy and talk about my Ella with a smile on my face.I try.I try to move on.I try to not think about her.I dont dream about her either.I just cant bring myself to think about her.I have had 1 dream about her.AND in that one, i held her and told her i would never let her leave my side again.AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DREAM DID TO ME?????

It broke my heart even more and i cried all day when i woke up. I felt her, held her and smelt her.but, it was all a dream, i woke up to an empty room and no baby in my arms.

I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy. The ever so deep pain right in the middle of your chest, it physically hurts.It feels like sharp heavy pain pulling you down and nothing but crying makes it go away.

THIS MY FRIENDS IS HEARTACHE.

imagine feeling like this everytime you thought of your child.

Things seem different when you live this life.You appreciate the little moments in life.You see a child and dont think they are work, you think....at least she has this baby, at least she gets to hold him and raise him...............at least she has him.

Nothing in this life, on a serious note, will ever fill my heart again.I have my kids.They are my life, but im missing one.Im missing a chunk of life that was buried alongside her.I lost my role as strength.This isnt a person role, more like way of life.I lost the life of fighting and uncertainty.That life i miss.I miss being her shield.I miss protecting her and making her feel better.I miss being that one person she trusted.She trusted me.She knew her life was in my hands.She knew my hug would make her heart feel better. This is what i need back.