Anxiety.
That word alone is scary.We have all experienced this one time or another in our lives.Its that sharp thump and fast paced feeling smack right in the middle of your chest.
I can stand up and say.....Yes, i live with anxiety and its a physical pain.
My heart beats so hard, i can actually feel this.My hands start to shake and i panic.These episodes happen daily and quite often.i cant stop them, and breathing exercises dont help. It gets so bad, that the only relief is to lock myself in my restroom and cry it out.Relieve the pain that builds up.
Thoughts.
Reality is a cruel cruel evil thing.
Its the thoughts.
The questions.
The unanswered questions.
The facts.
The doubts.
The morbid unhealthy THOUGHTS.
There is no manual book for death.There isn't a book that tells you how to stop reality. There is no book that says, Hey Jonnika, one this day you will get better.
No.
You just to pick your head up, shake it off, and carry on.
It hurts me to visit Erawyn.It hurts to know that my baby, who i carried for 9 months,gave birth to, loved and cherished for 3 years.........is 6 feet under my feet.Her body that i would bathe, touch, kiss and watched grow is sealed in a little purple box, under dirt.
This is a chilling thought.
I sit here, and have scary thoughts.I was scared to share them cause i didnt think it was normal.Who could i tell that i think of my daughters corpse to? Who would understand that this is normal for me? Who would listen to me and know im not crazy. Everytime i visited her, that was all i would see.
Then i realised.Its ok.Its not normal to others cause they couldnt grasp what i have seen and been though.This wasnt their child.This didnt happen to them. Death isnt in their thoughts. They didnt go to bed every night and wish these bad thoughts away.
This is reality.This is what happens to people.My thoughts arent morbid, but true. What i picture in my head is what happens to everyone.
Reality.
After these thoughts, comes the facts.
Its been 6 months.
Ive heard stories about parents who children have died, often feel like their child is at camp. They arent really gone.
But after everything sinks in, reality sets in.
This is life now.This is the new "normal".This is where are now.
I would always say, i cant imagine life without her.I would picture her in kindergarten, obstacles she would be facing, jr high, high school, in college, married, children, career choices,etc. I would look at her and think, man....shes gonna be so beautiful and evenly perfect when she grows up.Now, all i know, is that she will forever be my 3 year baby.
I have to live without her now.I have to face the most scariest scenario the drs always had for us.
DEATH.
I get so mad and jealous when i see a mother with a baby.I get mad when i see them enjoy them.It hurts so much.I see my Ella in everyone of them.I think, Ella would be doing that, Ella would have looked so cute in that dress, Ella would look so cute in those sandals. i get angry when i see parents take their kids for granted. I lost my heart and these fuckers dont give a shit about theirs.
Fucking reality stands there, laughs at me and kicks me right in the fucking chest.
What i would give to clean up a mess she made, or stress over the sugar she spilled, or wipe down the tooth paste she smears all over the floor, or hold her when she is crying over nothing, or hear her nag at me for attention when im tired, or get up at 2 am when its not my turn to turn off the pump.
This is my new normal.This is what i have to face all day.the regrets, the wishes,the burden, the fears, the sadness, the emptiness, and the memories.
I can stand up and say.....Yes, i live with anxiety and its a physical pain.
My heart beats so hard, i can actually feel this.My hands start to shake and i panic.These episodes happen daily and quite often.i cant stop them, and breathing exercises dont help. It gets so bad, that the only relief is to lock myself in my restroom and cry it out.Relieve the pain that builds up.
Thoughts.
Reality is a cruel cruel evil thing.
Its the thoughts.
The questions.
The unanswered questions.
The facts.
The doubts.
The morbid unhealthy THOUGHTS.
There is no manual book for death.There isn't a book that tells you how to stop reality. There is no book that says, Hey Jonnika, one this day you will get better.
No.
You just to pick your head up, shake it off, and carry on.
It hurts me to visit Erawyn.It hurts to know that my baby, who i carried for 9 months,gave birth to, loved and cherished for 3 years.........is 6 feet under my feet.Her body that i would bathe, touch, kiss and watched grow is sealed in a little purple box, under dirt.
This is a chilling thought.
I sit here, and have scary thoughts.I was scared to share them cause i didnt think it was normal.Who could i tell that i think of my daughters corpse to? Who would understand that this is normal for me? Who would listen to me and know im not crazy. Everytime i visited her, that was all i would see.
Then i realised.Its ok.Its not normal to others cause they couldnt grasp what i have seen and been though.This wasnt their child.This didnt happen to them. Death isnt in their thoughts. They didnt go to bed every night and wish these bad thoughts away.
This is reality.This is what happens to people.My thoughts arent morbid, but true. What i picture in my head is what happens to everyone.
Reality.
After these thoughts, comes the facts.
Its been 6 months.
Ive heard stories about parents who children have died, often feel like their child is at camp. They arent really gone.
But after everything sinks in, reality sets in.
This is life now.This is the new "normal".This is where are now.
I would always say, i cant imagine life without her.I would picture her in kindergarten, obstacles she would be facing, jr high, high school, in college, married, children, career choices,etc. I would look at her and think, man....shes gonna be so beautiful and evenly perfect when she grows up.Now, all i know, is that she will forever be my 3 year baby.
I have to live without her now.I have to face the most scariest scenario the drs always had for us.
DEATH.
I get so mad and jealous when i see a mother with a baby.I get mad when i see them enjoy them.It hurts so much.I see my Ella in everyone of them.I think, Ella would be doing that, Ella would have looked so cute in that dress, Ella would look so cute in those sandals. i get angry when i see parents take their kids for granted. I lost my heart and these fuckers dont give a shit about theirs.
Fucking reality stands there, laughs at me and kicks me right in the fucking chest.
What i would give to clean up a mess she made, or stress over the sugar she spilled, or wipe down the tooth paste she smears all over the floor, or hold her when she is crying over nothing, or hear her nag at me for attention when im tired, or get up at 2 am when its not my turn to turn off the pump.
This is my new normal.This is what i have to face all day.the regrets, the wishes,the burden, the fears, the sadness, the emptiness, and the memories.
2 comments:
we've discussed many times how i cant ask you "hows your day?" or "how are you doing?" because its redundent. you know how much it pisses me off when people pretend to know what your going through just because they've gone through something similar. I dont know what it feels like to lose a child. but i can say that i know what it feels like to watch my best friend lose her child. im lucky enough to have watched you raise her, care for her, laugh AT her (not with her) haha, chase her, rock the crys out of her right into sleep, i was blessed enough to see you hold on to hope, and drop that same hope the next day. blessed enough to cry with my best friend over lots and lots of margaritas and screw drivers after she burried her angel. i dont know or understand what it feels like to stand on my childs grave and only be able to think and picture morbid thoughts. but i can promise that everytime i stand with my best friend on her childs grave all i can think about is that beautiful angel is 6 ft under that ground and all i want to do is grab a shovel and give her back to her mother. i KNOW your words will help somebody else get back to their "new" normal. as for those fuckers that dont know what they have, i say we create a group of pissed off mothers and shove all the love and amazingness of their beautiful innocent children down their fucking throats.
friend, i love you.you dont know how much you mean to me and how important your presence is in my life.i cant imagine how i could have pulled off anything for Ella if it wasnt for you.you can join stephanie with the shovel cause she said she would shank me so i can go to heaven to see ella.
Post a Comment