So this post is about my thoughts.I have so much going through my head.1,00000000000 thoughts all at one time.I catch myself wondering off, thinking about this past year.All the decisions i have been involved in.All the pain i have endured, all the decisions that lead to pain.I have made some very hard, unimaginable decisions.I have sat in a hospital, face in my hands, and begged God to just take it away.How low in ones life to beg God with sobbing tears to just stop what he is doing.I have seen so many people cry for one soul and it made me sick.I saw professional nurses and Doctors cry cause there was nothing we could do.I have had to leave my dead baby in a cold hospital minutes after she went to heaven and tell myself we made the right decision. I have seen my brothers carry the casket of my baby and have my grandfather tell me everything was gonna be alright.
THIS HAUNTS ME.
I never thought in a millions years that i would have this much anxiety. I get in my shower every morning and cry.I remember her knocking on the shower door begging to come and sometimes i wouldnt let her.I would tell her no and she would cry.All she wanted was to get wet, and i turned her down.GOD, i take that back, i would let her shower with me anytime she wanted if you let her come back.I would never tell her no.She could sleep in my bed everyday if you just let me have that back.
I see mommies with their babies and i want a baby so bad now.I want that feeling back.Give me another special needs baby and i will love that child with my most full heart.I would protect it and make better decisions.It kills me that i tied my tubes after Ella.I hate that i cant have that again. What i would give to have another Ella.Nothing will ever replace her, but i would give the world to hold another piece of my heart. I cant do anything about this, and it just eats me up.
I hate that im still crying.I hate that i cant seem to just move on.BUT, this was my child, my heart, my world.I lived for her and my other babies.Death is a reality for everyone.Its gonna happen not matter what, everyone will die.But, its wasnt fair, she was in pain, she always in pain.She had to endure so much pain her whole life.She was poked everyday of her life and i was so proud of her.I was so proud to be her mom.I was proud that i was part of her life.She knew she was gonna be in pain and she took it.She cried and knew afterwards i was gonna wrap her up in her blanket and hold her tight.She would cry out my name and i had to stand there, and just tell her over and over "i know baby, i know".
I hate that i had this wonderful perfect life with my baby, she made me so happy.She was this huge ray of sunshine.And now, its gone...all shady and dark clouds now.No more sunshine.I spent everyday with her, we laughed, giggle, sang and were lazy all day.We didnt have a time frame on our days, we just lived.She would always do something silly to make my laugh and vice versus.She was so beautiful to me.She had the most gorgeous smile and biggest godly eyes.I loved to snatched her up and kiss her, SHE HATED IT lol.She would fight me to let her down.I was stronger of course and i always won.i loved her hands and feet.I would grab them and bite her little toes,she would laugh..she loved it.I would tell her, "whose feet are these??? mommys feet???" and she would say yes lol.I LOVED HER,
God, please know that you took away my sunshine.,You gave me this messenger of your work, and you took it away.Yes, i know it was for all the right reasons, you knew your plan way before my time....but you also know the pain it would bring.You created this.You knew what comes with death.What you leave behind.I know you were there, i also know you are with me now.You made me strong, you gave me strength.I asked you for it the day at the hospital and you gave me a heart of powerful unbreakable stone.That was you.But,what now? What happens now? where is this powerful unbreakable stone? its not here, believe me..ive been searching for it.I break down every day God, you see me, you know this.Its hard to hear from people, "get over it", "shes in a better place", "shes not in any pain anymore"...but you know what..IM MISSING MY HEART.You took away milestones, memories, precious times.I wont ever get that chance with Ella.I wont see her grow up, hear her boyfriend stories, her bad days at school, her teenage tantrums, her graduation, her college, her marriage, her babies, her career.....none of that.
Just like you made me strong during the worst time of my young life, I will build up the strength again.Watch me.I will prove to you, that i have a heart of steel.I will prove to you that this test, a test of faith, family and love wasnt for nothing.You put this on my path, and even if it takes 10 years from now...i will master this plan.
2 comments:
I know you will master it! Amazing strength you have. I still have my breaking days and no one to talk to and how frustrating it can be when he is in shutdown mode. I tell him til death do us part and he says he already died once! LOL I pray that God gives me the patience and tranquility to be the best wife I can also.
I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I know you've heard these phrases and words so many times, I've seen it. You've heard, you're strong. You've heard, she's in a better place. You've heard, time will heal all wounds. But I know you must say to yourself, how am I strong when all I do is cry from this hole in my heart? How is she in a better place? She was supposed to be with ME! MY child, here on this Earth? Why take her so young? You must KNOW that time does not heal all wounds. Your heart or emotional state will never be whole again. And that is something people don't want to say. Because it's the ugly truth. But know this...you are doing your best and that's all you can do.
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