i know that feeling.

Life isnt Fair....its Life.

Pure sadness, its unbelievable how 1 memory, one second can cause a flood of emotion and sobs that literally hurt the heart.

I dont think about her.

I cant.

i block myself from anything Ella.I look at my walls,which show proof of existence and i think....shes not real.This isnt her.I dont remember her.This isnt my baby.Thats just a picture. 

It just makes me feel better knowing that i have the power to block the sadness that comes with reality.I can tell myself to stop,and im strong enough to do so.Do i want to forget her?? NO, but for my heart i do this.

Every day,every single day this is a battle.I fight with my feelings.I have to put up my guard and reassure myself that this is ok.Im ok.I still have to move on.I cant dwell on this.

I read about or see movies about people who have experienced what i have gone through.Not necessarily a baby dying, but lost.And i just  cant handle it.I know what they went through.I know that gut wrenching feeling when heartche takes over.That feeling of hurt, pain, lost,....hopelessness. Noone can ease this pain..not even a year later.

It doesnt go away.It doesnt get "easier" or "better" 

Who ever thought this was the perfect thing to say to a widower has obviously never buried their soulmate.

It hasnt gotten easier hence the bad meltdowns i experience once a month, or better hence why i still feel the sting of the pain.

I have resorted to blocking her out and when all else fails....cry like my tears will cure all sadness.It does just that.I cry to let it all out and go on with my day. 

Sometimes, all i need to say is...I got this.Im gonna be ok.She was here.She was my baby.She was happy.I made her happy.I have memories of smiles, love and hugs..

I must say this over and over cause all i think about it is the bad stuff.The sad stuff.The stuff that makes my stomach turn.The images of death.The memories of her in the hospital.The reality of the cause of her death.This somehow over takes my thoughts and brings me down.I HATE IT.