Its so lonely without you.

Goodness.

I really miss my baby.

Yes, i can say it over and over and no...shes not coming back.But, i just cant get over the fact that shes really not coming back.

Its almost her 4th birthday and i feel like i will not be able to handle the countdown.How can i sit here and not think about what that day will bring?How can i sit here and think of all the sadness and anxiety i will endure the one day out of the year that is supposed to be celebrated with pure happiness, excitement and smiles.

I dont know if my heart can handle this.I wont be full of happiness, i wont be excited but would want the day to just end.

This day is supposed to be celebrated around a table, but no....i will spend it standing in front of her grave.

I remember crying on her 3rd birthday, just so happy that we accomplished getting there and now...i will do the exact same thing.

I just wish that i could hold her.I wish i came home from work and see her little dirty face running towards my car with excitement.Sometimes i imagine that once i turn the corner of the circle, shes gonna be there...waiting for me.

I miss her wanting me.I miss that comfort i would give her when she needed cuddle time.I miss being her mommy.I miss having a little person calling "mommmmmmmmmy" the moment they wake up.I would think.....WOW, i am the first thought in her beautiful head.I loved walked in her room and seeing her face covered in curly messy hair, her hands under her face...sleeping like an angel.I miss watching her trying to get my attention by dancing, smiling and acting a fool.She know just what to do to make me smile.That little sucker knew EXACTLY what i needed.

I miss that.

(Ellabee, ugh, i never thought i would be writing you at age 3.I never thought i would be spending your day of birth at a dirt mound.You didnt deserve anything of this.Im so sorry i couldnt make your head feel better.I should have taken you in the first day you got sick.Im sorry i forced you to wear that stupid halloween costume with only one strap when you didnt want to.I wish i could have just let you wear it anyway you wanted.but you were a champ my love.You sucked it up cause mommy said you looked beautiful,....and you did.You were the cutest pebbles that ever trick or treated.God knows how much i love and miss you.He knows the pain that i go through and have been though.He knows.He also needs to know that once i get to where you are....he cant have you anymore.So he better spend as much time as he needs to cause me and you are running away the moment i get there!- love....mommy honey.)

This song is for my Erawyn Jizelle.

Im lonely without her.She will come home one day.

One day.

My little sunshine!

I thought about you today. As i always do.

I have these random memories that just pop into my mind.I have flashes of your face, your beautiful little smile...

Breaks me down sometimes my love.The pain that hurts me is that those memories are the only thing i have left from you.But ill take that...ill take what ever God gives me.

I want to thank you for taking care of your brothers and sister.They are so full of love.I will thank you everyday.I like to think that you guide them, and help them make loving decisions.Yes, they can be mean and make mommy wanna strangle them sometimes lol, but they are sweet kids.

We are going to grandmas house this weekend to go pick up Colt.Daddy misses him.That stupid dog Ella.You would have loved him lol.Hes so hyper and stupid.Hes huge, not like Scooby big, but big enough that Daddy would have put you on his back to ride lol.We all know you would have loved that.

Mommy starts her new job on Monday.I feel like this will be emotional for me.I feel like i will probably shred a tear.This is an adventure for me.I havent worked in years.I know its time for mommy to get up and work, but im gonna miss being at home...this is where you were.I feel like you are gonna run into my room.I feel like if i close my eyes hard enough, you will be there when they open.

But, reality says, no......so i have to suck it up and keep my eyes open.

Geez, i see your pictures, and i miss you.I have never missed a person so much.I hate that i cry so much too.I really hope you are sitting next to me when i break down, or please make sure that one of your friends are with me.I need that.

Go play my angel! Give grandma a kiss from me and tell her i said i love her.I was really young when she went to heaven, but i remember her <3

Love you always,
Mommy

Dear sweet pea

Hey my love,

I hope you heard me on my birthday! i talked about you silly girl.Everyday was your birthday and my birthday was also your birthday.

I know you heard me cry and im sure you were right to me, holding my hand.There are times when i feel a warm brush of air.I hope thats you.I need that to be you.Did you remind God it was my birthday???? I hope you did, he must know :)

Ella, you know what.I can not wait to meet you again, you know that.I was talking about this to my dearest friend Michelle, remember her? shes the one with the warmest heart and knows God on a personal level like me and you.Well, i cried to her and told her my deepest feelings.

I told her that i dont fear death anymore.I dont fear the pain that might come with it, or the heartache i would leave behind.I know that death is freedom. How can i be sad about you being in the most glorious place??? i can not be mad because of that.Im just sad that i have to wait my lifetime, till my mission in life is over to see you.

Please meet me at the gate my love.I want my heart to be filled with pure Joy, just like they say in the books i read.I cant wait to feel that in my heart.All this heartache and tears, and sadness, and mess that i feel, is making my heart strong enough to withstand the Pure Joy i will feel when i meet you again.

Ill let you go play my love.Tell God i said thank you for letting me life for 25 years,I appreciate all that he has given me.

p.s.   I love you Erawyn Jizelle <3

Dear pumpkin face

My love!

I want you to know that you have the best brothers and sister in the whole entire world.They are such great kids.Phoenix has a big heart.She always wants people to full involved and never left out.Please stand by her, shes special.She has so much love in her little heart.Thats where you get it from.Im so blessed to witness such warm hearts around me.I feel like im doing something right.

How was your day in Heaven? Lets call it something else...something really cool...like how is YOUR kingdom?....i like to think that you are some spirit that lives in this huge garden full of bright singing flowers and grass that sways back and forth.

I see you wearing white..lace...flowers braided in your long wavy black hair.I see you barefooted, painted glittery toes that shine with every step.I see this glow on your skin.This happiness and joy that just radiates off your perfect skin.

I see your wings Ella.Not just wings my sweet love..no no no......I see a flood of feathers.Delicately placed and each feather showing...big and powerful to help you fly.I see them overpowering you.It shows just how special you are to God and that you are a powerful soul.

I see you discovering new things.Trying new leaps and smiling with each accomplishment. 

Everytime i see a cloud, i can picture you, sitting on the edge, swinging your feet back and forth, with a Popsicle in your hand, watching us.You know that your brothers and sister think you live on the clouds.sissy says that she thinks you bounce around from cloud to cloud to follow us and make sure we are safe......I totally agree with her :) 

Go play my love, go stir up some shinadigans! I say you go to your spirit friends and brag about how loved you were on Earth.Tell them that you have the world praying for you and that touched thousands of lives....you should really have a cape Erawyn lol...not wings <3

Love, 

momma honey 

p.s........i love you with all my soul.

Dear humble bee.

Good morning my love!

I am so emotional today.sometimes i get like this.My heart aches and i cant stop thinking of you.Will this ever get easy? I know you know...You have all the answers..and your so far away.

I cant believe your gone.I cant believe im sitting here, in a empty house.I close my eyes right now and can see your beautiful face.You are so gorgeous Erawyn.

I miss you.I would love waking up before you, walking into your room and seeing you.You were so beautiful when you slept.You looked like an angel.My own angel.Thats exactly what you looked like the day you went to heaven.You were so calm.No pain my love.You were surrounded by love.You knew you were.You just laid so calm in my arms.You and God knew you were safe there.

How i wish you were here, making me laugh, making my day so happy.I loved being around you.you had this huge love bubble around you and i was the lucky one to be allowed in it.You loved me so much.I need that love ella.You are my soulmate.You were meant for me.No one understands the love i have for you.Noone knows how my heart felt everytime you smiled at me.

I want you to know that mommy is trying to be strong baby.My mommy is using what you taught her and im trying to be as strong as you.I am truly jealous of God right now.He gets to see you everyday.He gets to hug you and play with you.This makes me happy but sad at the same time.I know hes doing his best to take care of you.but know Ella, mommy is better lol....i know where your tickle spots are and exactly what to do when you need love.Yes, im sure he does too lol, but mommy knows better huh :)

Please tell God, that he only has you till i get there ok....He cant selfish once i get there.Its gonna take awhile, so hes good for now.lol.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Love,

Your mommy <3

Dear Erawyn....

Hello baby,

There is so much i want to say to you.This is letter 1 from mommy.I will start writing you.I need you to hear what i have to say.It may not all make sense to you cause mommy will just let her fingers type away.But i know you will understand me.

I remember the day i found out i was pregnant,I was so scared.I cried to nana.I couldnt do it.I was not in the right place to have 4 kids, no house, no help.Nothing.But nana told me she would help me.She said for me to not cry cause we needed you.i said ok.I felt like God put those words in her mouth cause she wouldnt have ever said things like that.She was in a bad position herself.

I remember the day i found out about your face.I cried and cried and cried.I couldnt believe that God would do this to me...to you.I wanted you perfect Ella, you were my miracle baby, and i wanted a healthy perfect baby.But mommy made the decision to just suck it up, learn about this and make sure you felt love.And thats exactly what i did.

i stopped crying.I told myself, that no matter what...you were gonna be my little princess you were gonna be beautiful just the way you are.

I remember the day i had you.I have NEVER in my life, EVER felt so much love.You looked at me right after i delivered you, and i was sold.Your face was so puffy, and so bruised, and ill i felt was love.the weird thing was that i didnt feel scared, i did cry though.I was pissed that you have to endure all what was about to happen to you.But i wasnt scared.I put my mommy hat on and just let life happen.

They sure take along time to test you huh? 8 hrs to be exact....they made me wait that long to see you! bastards Ella...bastards..I was so nervous..i didnt know what to expect.But i wasnt scared.

Ohhhhhhhh, the first time i saw you...you were all bundled up in that little clear bassinet.You had this full set of jet black hair.You looked like a angel.My perfect little angel.You were so calm.You werent crying, nothing.I was so proud of you.All i wanted to do was look at you and drink in all that love. I wanted to snatch you up and run away to Perfectland and never let anyone hurt you.

I remember the first time i held you.The world had stopped.

i held you so close to my body, i wanted you to know mommy was there and wasnt gonna let you go.You felt so warm, this little body i dreamt about for 9 months, worried about, was finally here and in my arms...the safest arms you will ever be in.

I was so proud of you Ella.I loved you so much,Everyone that saw you would tell me how beautiful you were and it made my heart so happy.I would sit there in the NICU and just stare at you.i saw beyond your mouth.It didnt bother me at all.

I want you to know that mommy knew from day one that you were an angel.I knew that this was gonna be hard.Yes, i had doubts...but i didnt think in my weirdest dreams that he wouldnt take you back.If someone would have said...in 3 years Jonnika, she is gonna die...i would have laughed in their faces baby.I really would have.You were a fighter,and i was your right hand man..

I will write you to later honey bee.Ill let you go run off and play.Be careful ok.Dont give those other spirits a hard time...we all know how bossy you are lol.Dont be tearing up their artwork lol, or stick your hands in their ice water...lol......

Ugh, i miss you so much.My heart is hurting and i know you are right next to me kissing my face.You hated when i cried.but sometimes i just cant help it.My heart goes real deep inside and the tears just come out.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Love,
your earth mommy <3

There was just something about her.

My Messenger.

Monday morning Ella's speech therapist came over to visit me.She was probably the only other person beside me and Steven how truly knew and saw just how different Ella was.I say different not talking in medical terms, I speak of Godly things.Miss Debra saw it.

I go back to when Ella first starting receiving therapy.I had a house meeting with all 3 therapist..speech, physical, occupational.This was a time when Ella couldn't do anything.She couldn't sit up, hold her head weight, eat, talk..nothing.

I sat there and cried to these ladies.Begged them to help me and help my baby.I wanted her to enjoy life.To be able to feel "normal".I didnt want her fixed, no no no.I just wanted happiness.

Ella started therapy that next week.Every week, they came to teach her.I say teach because Ella had to learn everything.What normal milestones in every babies life, didnt come for Ella....It wasnt in her package of life.

This is when God started showed us his "message".

We saw just how "different" Erawyn was.

She had this look, those eyes were golden.

Ahhhhhhhh, those big beautiful brown golden eyes.

There were times, where she would look off to nothing.I would catch her all the time..."looking into nothing" It was a deep stare.She would turn her face and smile, just like that picture right there.It was so fascinating to watch.I knew then that this child was an old soul.

One day she just starting living.It was like, she finally said..."ok guys..let me show yall what i got up my sleeves".

Where were times in her life that she did things we could NOT explain.She would do things that at her age, she was not supposed to do.She knew colors like brown,black, white, etc.There was a situation where Miss Debra lined up 4 color lego blocks.Brown, pink, white and i believe blue.We had never showed her brown before.We showed her once and lined up the blocks.Debra told her, bring me pink and Ella would.We went through all the colors and there she went.After awhile we asked her to bring brown.She walked up to the blocks.Looked at us,looked at the blocks,  picked up pink, put it down,smiled and picked up the brown.It was like she was picking on us.She knew exactly what she was doing.We could NOT believe our eyes.She had this smerk, this "pffff, i got this guys" kinda look.

This routine, became normal.You showed her once, and you never had to show her again.She got bored easily, her baby toys were not enough for her.she got tired of them real quick.She wanted to be a big girl, play with big girl toys.She loved our iphones.She would sit there and play games, logically played games on our phones.She even learned how to say Iphone..it was so cute.lol.

I knew she was different.

I had this gut feeling that she had been here before.Yes, this is crazy, but if you knew Ella, you would agree with me 100%.She was an old soul.

Now.

Back to my Monday visit with Miss Debra.

We would have conversations all the time on how Ella was different.We were on the same page.Always.She felt that Ella was a miracle.Not just cause she was born the way she was...no! She knew that Ella was here for a reason.

She sat here and told me that she knew Ella was a messenger.She was here to show us something.Ella changed the way She would treat future patients.Not to judge their setbacks, but to appreciate their messages.

I started to cry.Cause i agree with her.My baby was something else.Her life was too perfect, too well planned out, too special for a normal child.She wasnt just a baby down the street.

She had a presence.Everyone, EVERYONE that was around her would be in a good mood.She made people feel better.There was one thing that Ella did that sealed the deal for me.

Anyone that came to my house, and Ella liked them, knew she could be comfortable around them.She would bring them her toys.It was like a welcoming gift if she she approved of you.It was the weirdest thing.She wanted you to feel happy.She would kiss me willingly when i would be stressed out.She knew, even though i didnt say anything, that i was not having a good day.She would come up to me, hug me and smother me with kisses.She always knew just what to do to make me feel at peace.....SHE WAS 2!!!

Debra gave me a book called Angel Unaware.

She broke down while talking to me about it.She said it was Ella's story.She wanted me to read it.

This book is about a 2yr special needs baby.The story is what the mommy believes her baby said to God, the day she died.It it in the baby's words.

Now, the mother believes her baby was a messenger.Her baby had a mission in life.

This book is powerful.

This book touched Debra's heart because its Ella's story too.

I sat there, held the book in my hands and cried.I knew my baby had a mission in life.She lived a full happy life.She knew love.She felt love.She taught us love.

Ella had nothing in the world to learn.She came here with knowledge.She didnt learn from us.She came here to teach us.We lived in her world.She didnt live in ours.

Debra said something that i needed to hear.

She couldnt imagine how it felt to be Ella's mother.How lucky and blessed i was that God gave me Ella.To give birth to a messenger of God.

This book was supposed to be placed in my hands.I feel like it was another sign from her.She knew i needed to read it.To embrace it.To say, "See mommy...you knew."

I cant wait to meet her again.To see the spirit of her.I know that she wont be a baby when we meet in Heaven.She is gonna be her true self.

I cant wait to hear her tell me her story.To tell me, why she came to me.Her mission.Her love for everyone around her.Other missions she was sent on.

She is my soul mate.She is made for me.She was here to change my life.To make me a better person and mother.She used her 3 years, her mission time. to change the world around her.

.........And she sure did.

Thank you Erawyn Jizelle.

You changed my life the day you were "delivered" into this world.