Happy Mother's Day.

Here we are.

10 years later.

I remember the day I had Dylan.I remember the overwhelming feeling of love,protection and fate.

I remember saying, this is my child.This is my life and responsibility for the rest of HIS life. I grew from a 15 yr old teenager to a 16 yr old mother.

Since April 30, 2003, I was no longer just me.I was a mother.A protector.An adovcate. A teacher.A nurse.....etc.

10 years can do wonders on someone's soul, heart, mind and body.I hadnt always been a "good" mother.I had periods in my life where I wanted my life back.I put them aside.I did what i wanted and didnt care cause my mom was there to take the kids.That is a distant memory that I will never experience again.

Then, I had my 4th child.My miracle.I felt like God put her in my life for a reason.There were no explanations needed.She embraced our lives to help me.She was here to make me a good mother ...which in turn made me a better person.I had a purpose and it took having a disabled child to open my eyes. My kids also learned what it meant to truly love someone.They learned that life did end and it made them stronger.

.............

I have gone through hell and came back with a stronger soul.Ive had a rough 10 years.Its the mothers job that is neverending.I have days where I dont know how I do it, I dont know where to turn.I just dont know how to.I have so much stress that sometimes i cant handle it.I have learned that even though I feel like i cant...i always do.I always put my mother cape on and suck it up.Its not their fault.My kids dont deserve nothing but happiness.Im a wreck most days and yet, here i am....still standing....still trying.

Being a mother is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.I adore and appreciate my kids.I get this over love feeling sometimes when I look at them and thats how I know, this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And even though I will celebrate this Mother's day with pain in my heart...I have all 4 babies with me.I have neverending love in my heart.I have a bond of 4 hearts in my soul.What more can a person ask for?What more in this life could anyone ask for?

I am loved unconditional.



i know that feeling.

Life isnt Fair....its Life.

Pure sadness, its unbelievable how 1 memory, one second can cause a flood of emotion and sobs that literally hurt the heart.

I dont think about her.

I cant.

i block myself from anything Ella.I look at my walls,which show proof of existence and i think....shes not real.This isnt her.I dont remember her.This isnt my baby.Thats just a picture. 

It just makes me feel better knowing that i have the power to block the sadness that comes with reality.I can tell myself to stop,and im strong enough to do so.Do i want to forget her?? NO, but for my heart i do this.

Every day,every single day this is a battle.I fight with my feelings.I have to put up my guard and reassure myself that this is ok.Im ok.I still have to move on.I cant dwell on this.

I read about or see movies about people who have experienced what i have gone through.Not necessarily a baby dying, but lost.And i just  cant handle it.I know what they went through.I know that gut wrenching feeling when heartche takes over.That feeling of hurt, pain, lost,....hopelessness. Noone can ease this pain..not even a year later.

It doesnt go away.It doesnt get "easier" or "better" 

Who ever thought this was the perfect thing to say to a widower has obviously never buried their soulmate.

It hasnt gotten easier hence the bad meltdowns i experience once a month, or better hence why i still feel the sting of the pain.

I have resorted to blocking her out and when all else fails....cry like my tears will cure all sadness.It does just that.I cry to let it all out and go on with my day. 

Sometimes, all i need to say is...I got this.Im gonna be ok.She was here.She was my baby.She was happy.I made her happy.I have memories of smiles, love and hugs..

I must say this over and over cause all i think about it is the bad stuff.The sad stuff.The stuff that makes my stomach turn.The images of death.The memories of her in the hospital.The reality of the cause of her death.This somehow over takes my thoughts and brings me down.I HATE IT.

  

suck it up, move along.

Time will tell........right?

Thats how shit runs in life right? You simply wait.You cant control certain things in life and sometimes waiting is like chasing purple unicorns in a field full of dreams.

This is something i cant deal with;the whole waiting gig is just not for me.I cant seem to get over the fact that i cant control this feeling.No sympathy needed cause this is life, this is what God had in store for me.Dont need someone to explain to me why cause i already know.

What my problem is the control of high anxiety.Its a constant cloud of darkness and emptiness that follows me everywhere.It always seems to creep up on me, just when i think im good.

This is not true.I am not good.I see a baby at the store and in a split second my eyes tear up.I get a deep choke in my throat and i want to desperately  just walk over and hold that random baby. But, of course im not insane...so i smile and walk away.

The healing process is way overrated.Its not the glorious event that happens over night like in the movies.Not at all.I wissssssh it was crammed into a 2 hour segment that ends with a happy ending and life lesson learned.

Life just doesnt happen like that.Not for me at least.

Ive lost my mind and im trying to get it back piece by piece.Im trying to gather my sadness and keep it bottled up cause noone wants a negative sally around.I do try to be happy and talk about my Ella with a smile on my face.I try.I try to move on.I try to not think about her.I dont dream about her either.I just cant bring myself to think about her.I have had 1 dream about her.AND in that one, i held her and told her i would never let her leave my side again.AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DREAM DID TO ME?????

It broke my heart even more and i cried all day when i woke up. I felt her, held her and smelt her.but, it was all a dream, i woke up to an empty room and no baby in my arms.

I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy. The ever so deep pain right in the middle of your chest, it physically hurts.It feels like sharp heavy pain pulling you down and nothing but crying makes it go away.

THIS MY FRIENDS IS HEARTACHE.

imagine feeling like this everytime you thought of your child.

Things seem different when you live this life.You appreciate the little moments in life.You see a child and dont think they are work, you think....at least she has this baby, at least she gets to hold him and raise him...............at least she has him.

Nothing in this life, on a serious note, will ever fill my heart again.I have my kids.They are my life, but im missing one.Im missing a chunk of life that was buried alongside her.I lost my role as strength.This isnt a person role, more like way of life.I lost the life of fighting and uncertainty.That life i miss.I miss being her shield.I miss protecting her and making her feel better.I miss being that one person she trusted.She trusted me.She knew her life was in my hands.She knew my hug would make her heart feel better. This is what i need back.

Give me wings....and I will fly.

Give me strength, and I will grow.

Give me love, and I will live.

GIVE ME WINGS, AND I WILL FLY.

1 year ago, I let my Soul go home.

I held her close to my chest, as her....and my entire heart went to Heaven.

I put her hand on my heart for 11 hours as she slowly let her body rest.

I kissed the most warm, gentle, softest lips as she rested on my body.

I told My Erawyn,it was ok to finally let go....God was ready for her return.

1 year ago, I possessed the hardest, strongest heart in my chest.I had asked God for strength, and peace of mind, and first time in my 25 years of life, I felt and saw a prayer happen.

I cant tell you how I did not go crazy knowing my baby was gonna die from a brain infection.I cant tell you why I didnt try to kill myself during my depression.I cant tell you why I felt so calm and at peace minutes after my baby, my whole entire world came to a end......but I did, I was bulletproof  strong for her.I kept it together for everyone else, and for Ella.I knew in my heart that i had to be strong for her.I was her protector. I put on my mother shield and helped my baby go to heaven in the most peaceful, loving, comfortable way.She deserved a strong heart during her journey back.

If someone told me 5 years ago that I was gonna be a baby widow, I would have called them a liar.I would have laughed in their face, NOT ME! God put her in my life for a reason and he wouldnt take her back.Thats insane.

I was too greedy.I was so in love with her that I couldnt imagine life without her.She was my entire world.I was fighting for her.This couldnt happen to me.

People say they live for their kids, not I.No....I lived through her.I was this new person.I became a better mother because of her.I learned that my kids were gifts, I learned to appreciate and love every single moment of their lives.I told them I loved them more, cause I knew what it meant to have a sick unhealthy child, i saw God's love in my baby.She had this strength that was so amazing to see.

I was better because Ella was in my life.Her presence was like a drug.She was addicting and I made sure I gave back to what she was giving me.I made sure that she knew what love felt like.She was deeply loved.

I miss my baby so much.I cant describe to you the pain, the deep sorrow I feel every morning.I cant see her, i cant touch her, i cant hold her.I have to suck up heavy tears every day of this new life.I sit there and every other moment is sadness.I cant even look at phone, cause there she is...right on my screensaver..smiling.And it kills me every time.I dont want to change it, cause ill miss seeing her little face....its a lose/lose situation.I love her so much that i cant go a hour without thinking of her.I just cant.I have this heavy burden of guilt, pain, sadness, happiness, smiles, joy....all at the same time and it physically hurts.Its an obsession.I find myself staring at her pictures.I just want her back.I dont want to have to look at a piece of glossy papers to get my heart feeling better.

I can honestly say that God is putting special people in my life.He brought me peace at my most needing moments.Its a random funny text, a simple hello, or a good pick-me-up, always at the perfect time.I feel like these people are in my life for a reason and they dont even know it.Hes making me strong again, and these people are his way of replacing what Im missing.

....................................................

I cant go back to life before.I cant close my eyes and there she will be.I cant live in 2010 again.I cant sit on my bed and pray for her return.Its not possible.But what is possible is sharing her love.I still live through her.I spread her story every chance i get.God puts me in random peoples lives for a split second to share a piece of her, and it changes their lives.I have a powerful story to tell, and thats why God gave me Erawyn.He knew I could withstand this horrible nightmare and tell people who need proof that strength is real.Her story is real, her pain was real, her death was very real.And I witnessed it all.

Today, one of heaven's most precious messengers went back home.She left behind a bond between us that is beyond love.She left a peace of Heaven in my heart.Even through I will never get over losing her, I know why she was here.I get it.Missing her is my eternal battle that i must live with till I see her again.

I  love you Erawyn Jizelle, my Ellabee <3 You changed my world, and I will spend the rest of my life loving you, missing you and sharing your story.

"No hay amor perdido entre nosotros Mi Amor."

I



What can you do, honestly??

So this post is about my thoughts.I have so much going through my head.1,00000000000 thoughts all at one time.I catch myself wondering off, thinking about this past year.All the decisions i have been involved in.All the pain i have endured, all the decisions that lead to pain.I have made some very hard, unimaginable decisions.I have sat in a hospital, face in my hands, and begged God to just take it away.How low in ones life to beg God with sobbing tears to just stop what he is doing.I have seen so many people cry for one soul and it made me sick.I saw professional nurses and Doctors cry cause there was nothing we could do.I have had to leave my dead baby in a cold hospital minutes after she went to heaven and tell myself we made the right decision. I have seen my brothers carry the casket of my baby and have my grandfather tell me everything was gonna be alright.

THIS HAUNTS ME.

I never thought in a millions years that i would have this much anxiety. I get in my shower every morning and cry.I remember her knocking on the shower door begging to come and sometimes i wouldnt let her.I would tell her no and she would cry.All she wanted was to get wet, and i turned her down.GOD, i take that back, i would let her shower with me anytime she wanted if you let her come back.I would never tell her no.She could sleep in my bed everyday if you just let me have that back.

I see mommies with their babies and i want a baby so bad now.I want that feeling back.Give me another special needs baby and i will love that child with my most full heart.I would protect it and make better decisions.It kills me that i tied my tubes after Ella.I hate that i cant have that again. What i would give to have another Ella.Nothing will ever replace her, but i would give the world to hold another piece of my heart. I cant do anything about this, and it just eats me up.

I hate that im still crying.I hate that i cant seem to just move on.BUT, this was my child, my heart, my world.I lived for her and my other babies.Death is a reality for everyone.Its gonna happen not matter what, everyone will die.But, its wasnt fair, she was in pain, she always in pain.She had to endure so much pain her whole life.She was poked everyday of her life and i was so proud of her.I was so proud to be her mom.I was proud that i was part of her life.She knew she was gonna be in pain and she took it.She cried and knew afterwards i was gonna wrap her up in her blanket and hold her tight.She would cry out my name and i had to stand there, and just tell her over and over "i know baby, i know".

I hate that i had this wonderful perfect life with my baby, she made me so happy.She was this huge ray of sunshine.And now, its gone...all shady and dark clouds now.No more sunshine.I spent everyday with her, we laughed, giggle, sang and were lazy all day.We didnt have a time frame on our days, we just lived.She would always do something silly to make my laugh and vice versus.She was so beautiful to me.She had the most gorgeous smile and biggest godly eyes.I loved to snatched her up and kiss her, SHE HATED IT lol.She would fight me to let her down.I was stronger of course and i always won.i loved her hands and feet.I would grab them and bite her little toes,she would laugh..she loved it.I would tell her, "whose feet are these??? mommys feet???" and she would say yes lol.I LOVED HER,

God, please know that you took away my sunshine.,You gave me this messenger of your work, and you took it away.Yes, i know it was for all the right reasons, you knew your plan way before my time....but you also know the pain it would bring.You created this.You knew what comes with death.What you leave behind.I know you were there, i also know you are with me now.You made me strong, you gave me strength.I asked you for it the day at the hospital and you gave me a heart of powerful unbreakable stone.That was you.But,what now? What happens now? where is this powerful unbreakable stone? its not here, believe me..ive been searching for it.I break down every day God, you see me, you know this.Its hard to hear from people, "get over it", "shes in a better place", "shes not in any pain anymore"...but you know what..IM MISSING MY HEART.You took away milestones, memories, precious times.I wont ever get that chance with Ella.I wont see her grow up, hear her boyfriend stories, her bad days at school, her teenage tantrums, her  graduation, her college, her marriage, her babies, her career.....none of that.

Just like you made me strong during the worst time of my young life, I will build up the strength again.Watch me.I will prove to you, that i have a heart of steel.I will prove to you that this test, a test of faith, family and love wasnt for nothing.You put this on my path, and even if it takes 10 years from now...i will master this plan.

my lifetime.

JUMP...then fall.

If only it was this easy, this graceful, this serene. 

This is how i feel.This what i wanna do, just let go, just jump out of my mind and have my heart feel some peace.

Its not fair that i get to see my kids grow up and not my baby.I get to enjoy all life's little moments with my children and i still have this void.This world of  heartache and sadness. Im in a whole new category of people.I have experience the worst pain, and its still there...its gonna stay there. i have great days, i started a new job that i love (even though so stressful, but i got this) and i have made the most amazing friends there.I have great things in my life that i shouldnt be complaining about.But,its the pain.its the pain i carry around and it comes out when im alone, lost in my thoughts. its almost a year since she went to Heaven and its still very very raw,like if it was just yesterday. I have these moments that are like pictures...clicking in my deepest memories...they click, click, click away.I see flashes of my kids, all of them, together.happy great times, the hard times the ever so peaceful times.Then click....her sweet little face.I cant get over how hard this is for me.The sadness i cant get away from.I miss my life when she was here.I need it back.

I have my kids now.They make me so happy.Im so deeply in love with them.Every time i look at them ,i see just how lucky i really am.The love i have for Dylan,Kilian and Phoenix is beyond heaven.Its above the pure joy, happiness and love that God provides to each and every one of us.You have no idea how much they mean to me.How much i appreciate the little people they are.Their strengths, their hobbies, their personalities.I appreciate it.The love that they have for me keeps me going.I love seeing them laughing, and joking and playing with their friends.Those moments helps me forget that i have pain in the heart.It helps me remember that this is what God left me with.This love.This deep motherly love that he wants to me provide for them.No matter what i do, what choices i make in my life, good or bad...im the best person to those 3 babies.Im mommy and their happiness depends on me.

Its the time when im alone in my thoughts, when ,my kids aren't around me that i get into a deep depression.Its the moments where my mind is left to wonder.those are my darkest saddest times.I realize what i don't have.what i am missing.What i want back.My heart misses Ella.My life just doesn't seem complete without her.She made such an impact in my life that now...it seems awkwardly empty.I miss having all the responsibly for her, protecting her, making her smile.

I feel like im standing in this LONG waiting line with the number 1,000,000,000, and the light is blinking at 1.That number is not moving for the life of me.You know that anxious feeling when your waiting and you honestly just wanna say FUCK it and walk away, you'll come back another day???? Thats what i feel like.Its the waiting game.Yes, i will see her again, i know this is most true.But what about the time till then? What shall i do while in waiting in "line"? 

there is no way to avoid it, absolutely not.This is what God put in my path.He knew what he wanted for me.He has this master plan and i have yet to grasp it. I feel very fickle on what he chose for me.He gave me heaven for 3 years then snatched it back from her, like a thief in the night.I never thought i could feel this much  pain and i have gone though some shit in my life.Nothing has EVER been easy for me.I have the worst luck.But i had it all.I had what made me strong.But, taking her away, gave me the biggest beating i would never have imagine. I'm grateful for these past 9 years.But.....

There is so much i can handle.What doesn't kill us...makes us stronger right???? I hope God understands how strong im trying to be cause boy...im barely hanging on.

Happy Birthday Honey Bee.

How can you describe a changed world?

How can you explain to someone what it means to have a true broken heart? A heart that was once filled with unconditional love and happiness.A heart that had immense hope, and strength.....once. 

In a year, I have learned what it felt like to lose all hope, lose all faith, lose a beautiful soul.

I have learned what fear really feels like, that gut twisting pain, that fear floods in.I have cried enough tears to fill allllllllllll the oceans of the world, and its still filling up.I have lived through hell....and here i am...still standing.

I have conquered because i was chosen.Chosen to love, raise, and learn from a little bitty miracle.

Welcome to the world.I was waiting for you.

Welcome to my arms my love.You were under my heart for 9 months, and now i finally get to kiss you, feel you, hold you,squeeze you.You didnt have to fight Erawyn, mommy was ready to fight for you.You were to just sleep and relax.Mommy had it covered. I knew God chose me because he knew my heart was strong enough....I gave it my all.I promise EllaBee.I promise.

That first year was such a task wasnt it? Geez! Talk about testing your faith huh? But you know what EllaBee, We did it! You were a fighter like mommy.You took a beating and you made it look effortless.I admired you.I appreciated you.I never took anything for granted.Every milestone was the greatest day of my life.You made me so very proud.Im deeply in love with you.I knew from the day you were born that we were soul mates.You were made for me, here on Earth...and beyond the clouds.

Happy 1st birthday Erawyn Jizelle <3

WE MADE IT! 

No mother in the world was more in love with their child as i was that day.I planned that day down to the T.I wanted EVERYTHING perfect for you.You deserved perfection and thats what you received.I couldnt believe that we made it this far.After all we went through, all the hospital vists, lung collapse scares, feeding issues, not growing.....You did it.

We were both ready for this new journey.we strapped on our belts and pressed go.

I enjoyed life with you.You always amazed me.It was never a dull moment.Everyday was an adventure.You were growing so fast and I was right there, holding your hand.You learned to smile, and boy...that day melted my heart.You had the most gorgeous smile i had EVER seen.I would do anything to catch that smile...and you were such a sucker.you always fell for my tricks lol.You LOVED my tickles and toe nibbling...and of course i was a sucker to think you were to one who enjoyed it more.

Happy 2nd Birthday Princess.

You were starting to realise life.You werent a little baby anymore.You were walking, talking (boy, i could NOT get you to shut up) and getting into EVERYTHING.The funny thing was, i let you do whatever you wanted.I told myself, let her be.Let this little warrior do whatever the hell she wanted to.Yeah its 10pm, let her have a sip of your soda.Yeah shes 9am, let her have hot cheetos...i understand shes 2, but she WILL sleep with me.That pretty much summed up that huh lol.You ruled this house and noone stopped you.You had me wrapped in your cute little pinky and i didnt care.Your happiness was all that matter to me.I would literally run to you when i heard a single tear come out from those beautiful eyes.My baby was NOT gonna cry.oooohhhhh no...not my ellabee.Mommy was always there to rescue you.Spoiled???? i think not..more like loved a 100000000 times over.

Happy 3rd birthday love of my life.

Look how beautiful you are.Perfection.

I cant believe we made it! I cried this day.I was so happy i cried.I couldnt help myself.I was so proud of you, of all you battles you conquered and all the new journeys you were about to face.Your face,personality and heart were growing and i was right there to witness it.How could god have created a more precious soul? i held, loved and appreciated his work.And he chose me.I was so blessed.I was deeply honored.

................................

Happy 4th birthday my Sweet Angel.

You are in heaven now. I spent this last year dreaming about you.I spent this last year wishing you were here.I spent this last year loving you.I spent this year in covered in tears.I spent this last year spreading your story,helping people see what true love and strength really felt like.I spent this last year changing lives.I spent this past year learning who you really were.I spent this past year finding out that I...yes your mommy, loved and raised a chosen Angel.

When you blow out your candles today, wish for a castle.One filled with popsicles and pickles.Wish for something silly EllaBee.Be free.I wanted you to wish on anything you want.Dont think twice.There are no regrets in heaven.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Happy Sweet Birthday love.

Its so lonely without you.

Goodness.

I really miss my baby.

Yes, i can say it over and over and no...shes not coming back.But, i just cant get over the fact that shes really not coming back.

Its almost her 4th birthday and i feel like i will not be able to handle the countdown.How can i sit here and not think about what that day will bring?How can i sit here and think of all the sadness and anxiety i will endure the one day out of the year that is supposed to be celebrated with pure happiness, excitement and smiles.

I dont know if my heart can handle this.I wont be full of happiness, i wont be excited but would want the day to just end.

This day is supposed to be celebrated around a table, but no....i will spend it standing in front of her grave.

I remember crying on her 3rd birthday, just so happy that we accomplished getting there and now...i will do the exact same thing.

I just wish that i could hold her.I wish i came home from work and see her little dirty face running towards my car with excitement.Sometimes i imagine that once i turn the corner of the circle, shes gonna be there...waiting for me.

I miss her wanting me.I miss that comfort i would give her when she needed cuddle time.I miss being her mommy.I miss having a little person calling "mommmmmmmmmy" the moment they wake up.I would think.....WOW, i am the first thought in her beautiful head.I loved walked in her room and seeing her face covered in curly messy hair, her hands under her face...sleeping like an angel.I miss watching her trying to get my attention by dancing, smiling and acting a fool.She know just what to do to make me smile.That little sucker knew EXACTLY what i needed.

I miss that.

(Ellabee, ugh, i never thought i would be writing you at age 3.I never thought i would be spending your day of birth at a dirt mound.You didnt deserve anything of this.Im so sorry i couldnt make your head feel better.I should have taken you in the first day you got sick.Im sorry i forced you to wear that stupid halloween costume with only one strap when you didnt want to.I wish i could have just let you wear it anyway you wanted.but you were a champ my love.You sucked it up cause mommy said you looked beautiful,....and you did.You were the cutest pebbles that ever trick or treated.God knows how much i love and miss you.He knows the pain that i go through and have been though.He knows.He also needs to know that once i get to where you are....he cant have you anymore.So he better spend as much time as he needs to cause me and you are running away the moment i get there!- love....mommy honey.)

This song is for my Erawyn Jizelle.

Im lonely without her.She will come home one day.

One day.

My little sunshine!

I thought about you today. As i always do.

I have these random memories that just pop into my mind.I have flashes of your face, your beautiful little smile...

Breaks me down sometimes my love.The pain that hurts me is that those memories are the only thing i have left from you.But ill take that...ill take what ever God gives me.

I want to thank you for taking care of your brothers and sister.They are so full of love.I will thank you everyday.I like to think that you guide them, and help them make loving decisions.Yes, they can be mean and make mommy wanna strangle them sometimes lol, but they are sweet kids.

We are going to grandmas house this weekend to go pick up Colt.Daddy misses him.That stupid dog Ella.You would have loved him lol.Hes so hyper and stupid.Hes huge, not like Scooby big, but big enough that Daddy would have put you on his back to ride lol.We all know you would have loved that.

Mommy starts her new job on Monday.I feel like this will be emotional for me.I feel like i will probably shred a tear.This is an adventure for me.I havent worked in years.I know its time for mommy to get up and work, but im gonna miss being at home...this is where you were.I feel like you are gonna run into my room.I feel like if i close my eyes hard enough, you will be there when they open.

But, reality says, no......so i have to suck it up and keep my eyes open.

Geez, i see your pictures, and i miss you.I have never missed a person so much.I hate that i cry so much too.I really hope you are sitting next to me when i break down, or please make sure that one of your friends are with me.I need that.

Go play my angel! Give grandma a kiss from me and tell her i said i love her.I was really young when she went to heaven, but i remember her <3

Love you always,
Mommy

Dear sweet pea

Hey my love,

I hope you heard me on my birthday! i talked about you silly girl.Everyday was your birthday and my birthday was also your birthday.

I know you heard me cry and im sure you were right to me, holding my hand.There are times when i feel a warm brush of air.I hope thats you.I need that to be you.Did you remind God it was my birthday???? I hope you did, he must know :)

Ella, you know what.I can not wait to meet you again, you know that.I was talking about this to my dearest friend Michelle, remember her? shes the one with the warmest heart and knows God on a personal level like me and you.Well, i cried to her and told her my deepest feelings.

I told her that i dont fear death anymore.I dont fear the pain that might come with it, or the heartache i would leave behind.I know that death is freedom. How can i be sad about you being in the most glorious place??? i can not be mad because of that.Im just sad that i have to wait my lifetime, till my mission in life is over to see you.

Please meet me at the gate my love.I want my heart to be filled with pure Joy, just like they say in the books i read.I cant wait to feel that in my heart.All this heartache and tears, and sadness, and mess that i feel, is making my heart strong enough to withstand the Pure Joy i will feel when i meet you again.

Ill let you go play my love.Tell God i said thank you for letting me life for 25 years,I appreciate all that he has given me.

p.s.   I love you Erawyn Jizelle <3

Dear pumpkin face

My love!

I want you to know that you have the best brothers and sister in the whole entire world.They are such great kids.Phoenix has a big heart.She always wants people to full involved and never left out.Please stand by her, shes special.She has so much love in her little heart.Thats where you get it from.Im so blessed to witness such warm hearts around me.I feel like im doing something right.

How was your day in Heaven? Lets call it something else...something really cool...like how is YOUR kingdom?....i like to think that you are some spirit that lives in this huge garden full of bright singing flowers and grass that sways back and forth.

I see you wearing white..lace...flowers braided in your long wavy black hair.I see you barefooted, painted glittery toes that shine with every step.I see this glow on your skin.This happiness and joy that just radiates off your perfect skin.

I see your wings Ella.Not just wings my sweet love..no no no......I see a flood of feathers.Delicately placed and each feather showing...big and powerful to help you fly.I see them overpowering you.It shows just how special you are to God and that you are a powerful soul.

I see you discovering new things.Trying new leaps and smiling with each accomplishment. 

Everytime i see a cloud, i can picture you, sitting on the edge, swinging your feet back and forth, with a Popsicle in your hand, watching us.You know that your brothers and sister think you live on the clouds.sissy says that she thinks you bounce around from cloud to cloud to follow us and make sure we are safe......I totally agree with her :) 

Go play my love, go stir up some shinadigans! I say you go to your spirit friends and brag about how loved you were on Earth.Tell them that you have the world praying for you and that touched thousands of lives....you should really have a cape Erawyn lol...not wings <3

Love, 

momma honey 

p.s........i love you with all my soul.

Dear humble bee.

Good morning my love!

I am so emotional today.sometimes i get like this.My heart aches and i cant stop thinking of you.Will this ever get easy? I know you know...You have all the answers..and your so far away.

I cant believe your gone.I cant believe im sitting here, in a empty house.I close my eyes right now and can see your beautiful face.You are so gorgeous Erawyn.

I miss you.I would love waking up before you, walking into your room and seeing you.You were so beautiful when you slept.You looked like an angel.My own angel.Thats exactly what you looked like the day you went to heaven.You were so calm.No pain my love.You were surrounded by love.You knew you were.You just laid so calm in my arms.You and God knew you were safe there.

How i wish you were here, making me laugh, making my day so happy.I loved being around you.you had this huge love bubble around you and i was the lucky one to be allowed in it.You loved me so much.I need that love ella.You are my soulmate.You were meant for me.No one understands the love i have for you.Noone knows how my heart felt everytime you smiled at me.

I want you to know that mommy is trying to be strong baby.My mommy is using what you taught her and im trying to be as strong as you.I am truly jealous of God right now.He gets to see you everyday.He gets to hug you and play with you.This makes me happy but sad at the same time.I know hes doing his best to take care of you.but know Ella, mommy is better lol....i know where your tickle spots are and exactly what to do when you need love.Yes, im sure he does too lol, but mommy knows better huh :)

Please tell God, that he only has you till i get there ok....He cant selfish once i get there.Its gonna take awhile, so hes good for now.lol.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Love,

Your mommy <3

Dear Erawyn....

Hello baby,

There is so much i want to say to you.This is letter 1 from mommy.I will start writing you.I need you to hear what i have to say.It may not all make sense to you cause mommy will just let her fingers type away.But i know you will understand me.

I remember the day i found out i was pregnant,I was so scared.I cried to nana.I couldnt do it.I was not in the right place to have 4 kids, no house, no help.Nothing.But nana told me she would help me.She said for me to not cry cause we needed you.i said ok.I felt like God put those words in her mouth cause she wouldnt have ever said things like that.She was in a bad position herself.

I remember the day i found out about your face.I cried and cried and cried.I couldnt believe that God would do this to me...to you.I wanted you perfect Ella, you were my miracle baby, and i wanted a healthy perfect baby.But mommy made the decision to just suck it up, learn about this and make sure you felt love.And thats exactly what i did.

i stopped crying.I told myself, that no matter what...you were gonna be my little princess you were gonna be beautiful just the way you are.

I remember the day i had you.I have NEVER in my life, EVER felt so much love.You looked at me right after i delivered you, and i was sold.Your face was so puffy, and so bruised, and ill i felt was love.the weird thing was that i didnt feel scared, i did cry though.I was pissed that you have to endure all what was about to happen to you.But i wasnt scared.I put my mommy hat on and just let life happen.

They sure take along time to test you huh? 8 hrs to be exact....they made me wait that long to see you! bastards Ella...bastards..I was so nervous..i didnt know what to expect.But i wasnt scared.

Ohhhhhhhh, the first time i saw you...you were all bundled up in that little clear bassinet.You had this full set of jet black hair.You looked like a angel.My perfect little angel.You were so calm.You werent crying, nothing.I was so proud of you.All i wanted to do was look at you and drink in all that love. I wanted to snatch you up and run away to Perfectland and never let anyone hurt you.

I remember the first time i held you.The world had stopped.

i held you so close to my body, i wanted you to know mommy was there and wasnt gonna let you go.You felt so warm, this little body i dreamt about for 9 months, worried about, was finally here and in my arms...the safest arms you will ever be in.

I was so proud of you Ella.I loved you so much,Everyone that saw you would tell me how beautiful you were and it made my heart so happy.I would sit there in the NICU and just stare at you.i saw beyond your mouth.It didnt bother me at all.

I want you to know that mommy knew from day one that you were an angel.I knew that this was gonna be hard.Yes, i had doubts...but i didnt think in my weirdest dreams that he wouldnt take you back.If someone would have said...in 3 years Jonnika, she is gonna die...i would have laughed in their faces baby.I really would have.You were a fighter,and i was your right hand man..

I will write you to later honey bee.Ill let you go run off and play.Be careful ok.Dont give those other spirits a hard time...we all know how bossy you are lol.Dont be tearing up their artwork lol, or stick your hands in their ice water...lol......

Ugh, i miss you so much.My heart is hurting and i know you are right next to me kissing my face.You hated when i cried.but sometimes i just cant help it.My heart goes real deep inside and the tears just come out.

I love you Erawyn Jizelle.

Love,
your earth mommy <3

There was just something about her.

My Messenger.

Monday morning Ella's speech therapist came over to visit me.She was probably the only other person beside me and Steven how truly knew and saw just how different Ella was.I say different not talking in medical terms, I speak of Godly things.Miss Debra saw it.

I go back to when Ella first starting receiving therapy.I had a house meeting with all 3 therapist..speech, physical, occupational.This was a time when Ella couldn't do anything.She couldn't sit up, hold her head weight, eat, talk..nothing.

I sat there and cried to these ladies.Begged them to help me and help my baby.I wanted her to enjoy life.To be able to feel "normal".I didnt want her fixed, no no no.I just wanted happiness.

Ella started therapy that next week.Every week, they came to teach her.I say teach because Ella had to learn everything.What normal milestones in every babies life, didnt come for Ella....It wasnt in her package of life.

This is when God started showed us his "message".

We saw just how "different" Erawyn was.

She had this look, those eyes were golden.

Ahhhhhhhh, those big beautiful brown golden eyes.

There were times, where she would look off to nothing.I would catch her all the time..."looking into nothing" It was a deep stare.She would turn her face and smile, just like that picture right there.It was so fascinating to watch.I knew then that this child was an old soul.

One day she just starting living.It was like, she finally said..."ok guys..let me show yall what i got up my sleeves".

Where were times in her life that she did things we could NOT explain.She would do things that at her age, she was not supposed to do.She knew colors like brown,black, white, etc.There was a situation where Miss Debra lined up 4 color lego blocks.Brown, pink, white and i believe blue.We had never showed her brown before.We showed her once and lined up the blocks.Debra told her, bring me pink and Ella would.We went through all the colors and there she went.After awhile we asked her to bring brown.She walked up to the blocks.Looked at us,looked at the blocks,  picked up pink, put it down,smiled and picked up the brown.It was like she was picking on us.She knew exactly what she was doing.We could NOT believe our eyes.She had this smerk, this "pffff, i got this guys" kinda look.

This routine, became normal.You showed her once, and you never had to show her again.She got bored easily, her baby toys were not enough for her.she got tired of them real quick.She wanted to be a big girl, play with big girl toys.She loved our iphones.She would sit there and play games, logically played games on our phones.She even learned how to say Iphone..it was so cute.lol.

I knew she was different.

I had this gut feeling that she had been here before.Yes, this is crazy, but if you knew Ella, you would agree with me 100%.She was an old soul.

Now.

Back to my Monday visit with Miss Debra.

We would have conversations all the time on how Ella was different.We were on the same page.Always.She felt that Ella was a miracle.Not just cause she was born the way she was...no! She knew that Ella was here for a reason.

She sat here and told me that she knew Ella was a messenger.She was here to show us something.Ella changed the way She would treat future patients.Not to judge their setbacks, but to appreciate their messages.

I started to cry.Cause i agree with her.My baby was something else.Her life was too perfect, too well planned out, too special for a normal child.She wasnt just a baby down the street.

She had a presence.Everyone, EVERYONE that was around her would be in a good mood.She made people feel better.There was one thing that Ella did that sealed the deal for me.

Anyone that came to my house, and Ella liked them, knew she could be comfortable around them.She would bring them her toys.It was like a welcoming gift if she she approved of you.It was the weirdest thing.She wanted you to feel happy.She would kiss me willingly when i would be stressed out.She knew, even though i didnt say anything, that i was not having a good day.She would come up to me, hug me and smother me with kisses.She always knew just what to do to make me feel at peace.....SHE WAS 2!!!

Debra gave me a book called Angel Unaware.

She broke down while talking to me about it.She said it was Ella's story.She wanted me to read it.

This book is about a 2yr special needs baby.The story is what the mommy believes her baby said to God, the day she died.It it in the baby's words.

Now, the mother believes her baby was a messenger.Her baby had a mission in life.

This book is powerful.

This book touched Debra's heart because its Ella's story too.

I sat there, held the book in my hands and cried.I knew my baby had a mission in life.She lived a full happy life.She knew love.She felt love.She taught us love.

Ella had nothing in the world to learn.She came here with knowledge.She didnt learn from us.She came here to teach us.We lived in her world.She didnt live in ours.

Debra said something that i needed to hear.

She couldnt imagine how it felt to be Ella's mother.How lucky and blessed i was that God gave me Ella.To give birth to a messenger of God.

This book was supposed to be placed in my hands.I feel like it was another sign from her.She knew i needed to read it.To embrace it.To say, "See mommy...you knew."

I cant wait to meet her again.To see the spirit of her.I know that she wont be a baby when we meet in Heaven.She is gonna be her true self.

I cant wait to hear her tell me her story.To tell me, why she came to me.Her mission.Her love for everyone around her.Other missions she was sent on.

She is my soul mate.She is made for me.She was here to change my life.To make me a better person and mother.She used her 3 years, her mission time. to change the world around her.

.........And she sure did.

Thank you Erawyn Jizelle.

You changed my life the day you were "delivered" into this world.